I had plans last Friday, Valentine’s Day, to spend the evening alone in my room, eating chocolate I bought myself, watching Youtube room makeover/beauty videos, living my best life. For many people, myself included, this day brings that slight twinge of loneliness all single people feel to the forefront, and to mask that, I like to treat myself to some me time.

It was a somewhat stressful, busy day at school. I had arrived home from my four classes on edge, very eager to relax and spend time with the family before my time to myself. My mom always insists on getting my brothers and I small gifts, normally just chocolate, but this year it was something else. My little brother, Devon (8), had also expressed interest in playing a family game.

My friend Greta from high school that now also attends PSU had invited me to go out with her to a party that night. Not much of a partier to begin with, and mildly exhausted already, I was thankful I had an excuse to turn her down. She enthusiastically responded that family comes first and to have fun, and I thanked her. Had I known what would happen next, I may have thought differently.

It all started when my grandfather called to ask if I had my tax forms that my mom had been saving for me. No big deal, the deadline is April 15th to file, but I was worried that if I didn’t ask my mom for the forms now, I would forget to and miss this deadline. So I rush downstairs to the kitchen and ask, and my mom becomes mildly agitated that I popped the question when she was busy cooking dinner.

On top of this, she asked me to drive my cousin, who also attends PSU, to my grandparent’s house for a family dinner they were holding that we would all attend for his birthday next week. I tell her I will not be able to make it there on time, as my classes end at 4:30 and the dinner starts at 5. I park all the way in the commuter lot, so it is a trek just to walk to the car, much less pick someone else up. We are all tired and mildly annoyed, and naturally, this starts a huge family fight.

They tell me I’m being unreasonable and never want to help out. I tell them I just want my tax forms and that their expectations of me are unrealistically high. This is all done in not so nice words as opposed to the eloquent language I’m using now. You get the picture.

Fuming, I go upstairs to take a shower. I decide I’m not going to stick around for a family game. I’m going out. I text Greta and tell her I’ll meet her downtown. I expect my mom to be overprotective, even more so now that she’s mildly upset. I start to plan in my head how I’ll sneak out.

I’m in the shower, and I hear a ping from my phone. I ignore it until I dry off and get dressed in something a bit out of my comfort zone. In the back of my mind, I’m hoping I meet Prince Charming or Princess Jasmine and run somewhere far away to live happily ever after away from all worries. I know we’re going to a house party and its understood there are casual hookups only and my dreams are futile, but still. My mind wanders.

The message was from my mom. She apologizes before I do. The text says “I’m sorry, can we be friends?” I rush back downstairs, wearing a coat to hide the low-cut shirt I have on.

I give her a hug and I apologize too. I never got my gift because of this whole ordeal, I hadn’t even eaten dinner. Devon and my mom watch as I open a brand new shirt with matching earrings. I heat dinner up and eat it. My mom asks where I’m going and she just tells me to be careful.

I had been expecting the absolute worst, but I felt the reigns loosen. I felt the love return. I went out with Greta, met some drunk people she called friends. Still hate parties, but just talking with her, even surrounded by strangers, improves my mood even more.

I drive myself home that night and arrive at around 1 am. I have work in the morning at Wegmans and I know I need sleep. I never did get to watch Youtube in bed alone. I didn’t eat a single piece of chocolate. I didn’t even play a family game. But I was not alone on Valentine’s Day. It was nothing like I pictured, and oddly, it was better than that.

Despite the flaws I may face in my everyday life, it continues to surprise me. I realized that I don’t need anyone else to fulfill some desire for attention, but I am also not alone. I learned that I shouldn’t always expect the worst, because what I anticipate is likely far from reality. Living life spontaneously may get you into trouble, but it is absolutely essential sometimes.

No, I didn’t live a fairytale. No, it wasn’t everything I wanted. But at the end of the day, I felt loved. And that’s all anyone can ask for on a day like Valentine’s Day.

First and foremost, take care of yourself. Stand up for what you believe in. Life and love will come to you. It may take time. I know I’m still waiting. My relationships, romantic or not, are imperfect, but they are strong.

In the spirit of spontaneity, here’s a poem I wrote a while back. It seems this is a lesson I’ve been relearning throughout my life, and I truly may never get over, being a hopeless planner. But anyways, I hope you enjoy (:

 

Wonder

Wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t have to wonder
Where I’d end up and if it was right
Then I could relax and focus on success
And get exponentially more sleep at night

Wouldn’t I be happier if life was a gift
To unwrap, with a silver bow
And I had it, right here in my own hands
No questions asked, I’d just know

That everything was made for me
Exactly to my tastes
Without having to find what they are
Without any time to waste

And I’d travel and see the world
Just as I’d pictured it’d be
A part of the breathtaking beauty
Foretold in the magazines

Simplicity is easily
What everyone dreams is theirs
But if life was mapped out for me
There wouldn’t be a reason to care

And as much as I love getting up
At 11 am to a schedule- free day
There’s a certain wonder and excitement
In mystery and making a way

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I hope you enjoyed reading about my chaotic Valentine’s Day fiasco, and it possibly made you feel a little better about your own. I know I had fun recapping it, lol. As always, thank you to whoever took the time to read this, you da best (: see ya next time!