This is the last passion blog of the semester, and I have successfully turned this platform into my semi-public diary, which wasn’t exactly my initial vision, but I think that’s what I wanted deep inside. Aaannnddd it flows perfectly into a recap of the semester, which was suggested to us anyways. This semester in general, but particularly this class, have pushed me beyond my limits in a good way, and I feel I’ve grown because of it.

I don’t think I’ll ever completely overcome my fear of public speaking, but I gave two speeches, and improved from the first to the last. In fact, the second one I went entirely off-script, which is TERRIFYING to me as as a die-hard planner, yet I still managed to stay coherent and get my points across, which is a huge step for me.

The papers, especially the second one, challenged me as a writer in a way I’m not used to. Not to brag, but writing is kinda my thing, and even I was struggling to choose a topic and research thoroughly enough to fill eight pages. And don’t even get me started on the video project. I stared at that screen longer than any person should and I refuse to think about it again until this weekend when we polish it up.

But beyond the logistics and the assignments, I met people who I can truly say have become my friends. I think I owe it to whoever reads this to explain what I’ve been alluding to ominously every few blogs about; the events of last year (promise it comes full circle). The truth is, I should be a sophomore in college right now, and I theoretically shouldn’t even be attending PSU, although I grew up here. Let me explain:

I graduated high school in May 2018, and was all set to attend The University of Pittsburgh in the fall of that same year (that’s right, one of our main rival schools. I was a rebel, ok?). However, for a few years prior to graduation, my stress and anxiety had been building up steadily (let’s face it, eleventh grade did us all in). To make a long story short, I was in a horrible place mentally to make a gigantic life change, move away from home, and take on the world. A few months into being there, I felt myself becoming more and more isolated, and less and less motivated, and one night I called up my mom crying telling her I couldn’t do it anymore. I almost wanted her to tell me to suck it up, maybe she would let me vent and carry on, but of course, her motherly instincts kicked in, and she said she’d be there the next day to pick me up and take me home.

The perfectionist in me was absolutely shattered. Every step of the way, the drive home, the aftermath, the what ifs and the what am I gonna do nows overwhelmed me. I couldn’t help feeling like a failure, even though I knew my situation was quite common. I decided I must be weak if I was the one who decided to give up so early, and I retreated into a period of isolation and depression for weeks, crying regularly and feeling hopeless. It seems absolutely ridiculous, looking back now, seeing how far I’ve come, but I was that nervous wreck and I was at the lowest point I’d been at for perhaps my entire life thus far. It was brutal.

I hesitate sharing this story with anyone new who comes into my life, because I don’t want it to define me. It’s much easier to say “I’m Veronica, I’m a freshman, nice to meet you.” I am no longer ashamed of this story, and I no longer think of myself as weak or lesser because of it. I’m also much less afraid, and much less unsure of myself than I was before. It’s not so much about how much adversity you can avoid, it’s more about how much adversity you can overcome. I wish I had known that before, and been much more gentle with myself. My friends from high school and my family saw me at my worst for those few months, but they never stopped supporting me. And look at me now 🙂

I think it’s safe to say Penn State is my new home. It’s always been a small part of my life, living here and appreciating how passionate the alumni and students are about their school. I never really understood their unwavering devotion to it, their faces painted in blue and white, but I think I’m starting to. I’d like to thank the entire class and Professor Taheri for contributing in part to my success this semester. I’ve already made it farther than I did the first go round, and I feel like I might just be up for four years (or 6, but we’ll get to that when we get to that). And as always, I’d like to thank whoever’s reading this 🙂 you’re one of my favorites (not to be biased or anything).

Thank you, Rhetoric and Civic Life I. See ya in Rhetoric and Civic Life II. I’ll miss you all just a little I think.