Author: vme5055

We’re almost a month into school, and time has flown in my opinion. I have already taken my first Statistics exam (which went well by the way, but I anticipate the class getting much harder) and I have three, count em, three, exams next week. Psychology, Criminology, and another Statistics exam. I expect to be working hard in this class too, I’m excited about the topic of stem cell research and designer babies, because I can genuinely see the argument from both angles and I’m not exactly sure what I even believe, so I’m excited to research further and see what our team comes up with.

School aside, everything has been pretty chill at home. My brother’s birthday was February 2nd and I ordered him a birthday present from Vineyard Vines, but of course, they sent me the wrong thing so I had to call and get it corrected. The correct package should be arriving soon. On top of this, my brother recently gave his senior speech to the entire school at assembly. It’s a reigning tradition at St. Joseph’s Catholic Academy, where the total student body is about 200 students, for each of the around 40 seniors to give an 8-1o min speech about their time there and their future plans. It’s a big deal, nerve racking to say the least, and no one wants to mess it up. I’m proud of him for doing so well, and I’m also proud that we went to the Waffle Shop afterwards, lol. Instead of a birthday gift, Tyler (that’s his name) always asks to take a trip to King of Prussia Mall with the family, and I’ve already taken off work at Wegmans that day to make sure I can go with everyone on the 16th. He’s an adult now, so I told him he has to be more responsible, but we’ll see how that goes.

In other news, my aunt and uncle just had a baby (: A little background: my mom’s brother, Uncle Mike, as we call him, and his wife, Aunt Amanda, have been trying to conceive for some time. My aunt had breast cancer and beat it a few years ago, and she was told to wait about a year after remission to ensure the treatments didn’t harm the baby in any way. However, when they did start trying, they discovered that it was hard for her to conceive despite their best efforts for other reasons. It took three rounds of in vitro fertilization (IVF) for Nico to come into our lives. During her entire pregnancy, we were told that he could die at any time. The fact that he survived the entire term and is now happy and healthy and theirs is a miracle. Our family is planning on going up to see them in St. Louis during Spring Break and I can’t wait (:

There’s a lot more going on than I thought, and it kind of nullifies my next poem, but my mind is still in the same place. I’m so thankful for everything I have, but I think deep down, everyone is searching for something more, and sometimes we don’t even know what that something is. I’ve had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind off and on for several years, and as the poem describes, I’m not sure it will ever go away, or if what I’m looking for is even attainable in life, or a figment of my imagination. Let me know if you’ve every felt this way or what comes to mind when you read this, I’m curious to see:

All I Know

There’s something that I’m looking for

I don’t know what it is

Admiration

Validation

Something close, but left unsaid

I push it to the back of my head

I have things to get done

Places to be

People to see

But when I’m through

Answering to

Everyone

There’s something I wish

Was left for me

A little piece of certainty

It’s so rare

That feeling of content

That self-satisfaction

It’s almost like we’re not meant

To be quenched

By living life alone

And that is all I know

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m super excited though, truly, cause last week I had mentioned I haven’t been inspired to write a poem in a long, long time, and even though this poem is about internal conflict, it is still something written on paper that I’m proud of, and that is a lot more than I could say I’d done a week ago. I know I sound like a complete nerd, and I am. Until next time!! I hope whoever you are, you enjoyed at least some part of reading this and you have a fantastic rest of your day! See ya soon (:

Hello everyone, I’m back again (: Since I don’t know who will be reading this blogpost, I’ll give a little synopsis of my formatting. It’s very simple, very informal, and normally consists of a short recap of a certain portion of my life along with an embedded message of some kind. I try to be inspirational, but sometimes, if it’s a hard week, I won’t shy away from honesty. Luckily, this week, even though school is picking up again, I’m feeling optimistic.

The New Year has me thinking about a lot of things, one of which has been to start working out again. I haven’t been as on top of this since high school and organized sports (I did track and basketball) and I find it much harder to strike up motivation when I’m not part of a group. However, my friend and I have started going to free PSU workout classes in the White Building and that’s been nice. We do HIIT which stands for high intensity interval training, or a bunch of short spurts of different exercises with very short breaks, for 45 mins straight. It can be pretty intense, and I’m always sweating afterwards, but it gets the job done.

For me, anything that brings awareness to my body or forces me to engage and interact with the real world instead of starring at a screen (I know it’s cliche, but bear with me) forces me to examine my relationship with myself. And to be honest, it can be painful to do that. It’s much easier to get caught up in the white noise buzzing around you, news headlines, other people’s drama, an interesting Netflix show or Youtube series. I distract myself from myself 24/7 because it’s easier. Therefore, I’m left feeling cold, empty, isolated, confused, or all of the above.

My New Year’s Resolution was to workout more, as many people’s tends to be, but I don’t think it was ever about body image as much as it was about self- awareness. As a creative person, I want to be inspired, to have spunk and passion and a zest for life, and I remember a time when I had much more of that and was churning out my own creative content almost every day. Now, that same inspirational spark is on a hiatus, and has been for longer than I would like.

Anyone who makes any form of art can attest to this, if you lose your sense of self, your direction, your vision, you lose everything. Nothing makes sense to you as the creator and it is evident to the reader. If you try to force yourself to sit down and write a poem, it comes out as incoherent rambling (and some of you may be thinking, “like you’re doing now?” I rest my case).

There’s a silver lining to this, I promise. Now that I have identified that I need to focus on myself more, my direction in life, and what I want, I am free to redefine myself in 2020 and throughout this new semester. It may seem like a simple revelation, but I want this to be a launching point for something bigger than myself. Don’t know what that is yet, but I’ll get back to you on that (:

I want to leave you with a very short poem I wrote a few years ago. It isn’t my best work by any means, but it’s relevant to the topic at hand. I intend to start incorporating my poetry into these posts, since it is a cornerstone of who I am and a reflection of myself, which I am still trying to find. Here it is:

I’ll Fly

Nine to five

Makes me wish

I wasn’t alive

Early mornings

Crush my spirit

My best work is at night

Deadlines

String me out

And suck my creativity dry

But leave it be

Set me free

And I promise you

I’ll fly

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You may be thinking, “did you really just create an entire post about how you don’t know what to write about?” And the answer, my friend, is yes, I absolutely did. As always, thank you so much to whoever took the time to read this (: Hope you have a fantastic rest of your day, and see ya soon.

This is the last passion blog of the semester, and I have successfully turned this platform into my semi-public diary, which wasn’t exactly my initial vision, but I think that’s what I wanted deep inside. Aaannnddd it flows perfectly into a recap of the semester, which was suggested to us anyways. This semester in general, but particularly this class, have pushed me beyond my limits in a good way, and I feel I’ve grown because of it.

I don’t think I’ll ever completely overcome my fear of public speaking, but I gave two speeches, and improved from the first to the last. In fact, the second one I went entirely off-script, which is TERRIFYING to me as as a die-hard planner, yet I still managed to stay coherent and get my points across, which is a huge step for me.

The papers, especially the second one, challenged me as a writer in a way I’m not used to. Not to brag, but writing is kinda my thing, and even I was struggling to choose a topic and research thoroughly enough to fill eight pages. And don’t even get me started on the video project. I stared at that screen longer than any person should and I refuse to think about it again until this weekend when we polish it up.

But beyond the logistics and the assignments, I met people who I can truly say have become my friends. I think I owe it to whoever reads this to explain what I’ve been alluding to ominously every few blogs about; the events of last year (promise it comes full circle). The truth is, I should be a sophomore in college right now, and I theoretically shouldn’t even be attending PSU, although I grew up here. Let me explain:

I graduated high school in May 2018, and was all set to attend The University of Pittsburgh in the fall of that same year (that’s right, one of our main rival schools. I was a rebel, ok?). However, for a few years prior to graduation, my stress and anxiety had been building up steadily (let’s face it, eleventh grade did us all in). To make a long story short, I was in a horrible place mentally to make a gigantic life change, move away from home, and take on the world. A few months into being there, I felt myself becoming more and more isolated, and less and less motivated, and one night I called up my mom crying telling her I couldn’t do it anymore. I almost wanted her to tell me to suck it up, maybe she would let me vent and carry on, but of course, her motherly instincts kicked in, and she said she’d be there the next day to pick me up and take me home.

The perfectionist in me was absolutely shattered. Every step of the way, the drive home, the aftermath, the what ifs and the what am I gonna do nows overwhelmed me. I couldn’t help feeling like a failure, even though I knew my situation was quite common. I decided I must be weak if I was the one who decided to give up so early, and I retreated into a period of isolation and depression for weeks, crying regularly and feeling hopeless. It seems absolutely ridiculous, looking back now, seeing how far I’ve come, but I was that nervous wreck and I was at the lowest point I’d been at for perhaps my entire life thus far. It was brutal.

I hesitate sharing this story with anyone new who comes into my life, because I don’t want it to define me. It’s much easier to say “I’m Veronica, I’m a freshman, nice to meet you.” I am no longer ashamed of this story, and I no longer think of myself as weak or lesser because of it. I’m also much less afraid, and much less unsure of myself than I was before. It’s not so much about how much adversity you can avoid, it’s more about how much adversity you can overcome. I wish I had known that before, and been much more gentle with myself. My friends from high school and my family saw me at my worst for those few months, but they never stopped supporting me. And look at me now 🙂

I think it’s safe to say Penn State is my new home. It’s always been a small part of my life, living here and appreciating how passionate the alumni and students are about their school. I never really understood their unwavering devotion to it, their faces painted in blue and white, but I think I’m starting to. I’d like to thank the entire class and Professor Taheri for contributing in part to my success this semester. I’ve already made it farther than I did the first go round, and I feel like I might just be up for four years (or 6, but we’ll get to that when we get to that). And as always, I’d like to thank whoever’s reading this 🙂 you’re one of my favorites (not to be biased or anything).

Thank you, Rhetoric and Civic Life I. See ya in Rhetoric and Civic Life II. I’ll miss you all just a little I think.

Flashback to a week ago, I was lounging on the couch or in bed under a layer of fuzzy blankets, with cozy socks on, remaining in my pjs on days I didn’t have anything planned. There were cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies, filling meals, family, friends, and copious doses of soothing warm tea. Although this time of relaxation is over and I’m back to running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I’d like to take the time to recap a few of my favorite moments from this whirlwind of a week.

Firstly, of course, I’d like to recap my Thanksgiving day. My family is lucky enough to live close to my grandparents, as we have all been State College natives well before I was born. Unfortunately, my mom was battling a bad cold at the time, so she and my step-dad opted out of my grandma’s famous Thanksgiving meal. However, my two younger brothers and I were determined to get our fill. Right before we ate, we went around the table to say what we were thankful for. I said I was thankful for friends and family, but in addition, I was simply thankful to feel more secure in my position in life than I had in the past. My family, who had been there for me the year before around this same time knew I had come a long way emotionally, and that was a blessing in of itself. And my grandma’s stuffing, of course. THAT was a blessing.

The day after Thanksgiving was Black Friday, so I seized the opportunity to ask my grandma (who loves shopping as much as I do) to go with me. She took it as an opportunity to learn what I may want for Christmas. This was another tradition we have carried out for many years, ever since I was old enough to prefer clothes for Christmas and have my own sense of style. The trip was a success, but what really struck me was the conversation we had afterwards over Thanksgiving leftovers back at my grandparent’s house.

My grandparents have always been the most opinionated on religion and politics in my family, which makes sense, because they’re the oldest and theoretically the wisest, and they have time to ponder these matters in depth. The generations of our family show the evolution of more progressive ideologies well. Although I identify as more conservative economically, socially, I am essentially entirely liberal (except for a few minor things). My grandparents are almost entirely conservative, although they do believe all people should be treated with respect, regardless of beliefs. We are all rooted in Christian ideologies as well, I grew up in Catholic schools, and have a deep respect for the beauty of the religion if not an entire agreement with what it stands for.

I was attempting to explain to my grandparents how the youth in society views conservatives and liberals. For the most part, the people I’ve come across view conservatives as close-minded and unaccepting of all people as equals, and liberals as the inclusive ones. Therefore, they opt for the liberal stance most times because they want to support all people. It doesn’t matter to them so much what the foreign policies are, what the economic policies are, or anything beyond the social stigma that conservatives are supposedly racist, homophobic, and overall staunchly traditional, and this juxtaposes the progressive mindsets of the youth today. Unless conservative leaders begin to show their respect (if not support) for minority groups, those who feel excluded from traditional narratives will never feel comfortable voting conservative, and society as a whole will never be on a mutual level of respect in order to discuss important issues.

Of course, my grandmother is as stubborn as I am, and argued that the conservative image to others doesn’t matter much to her, even going so far as to say Donald Trump’s ridiculously inappropriate comments about women or his vulgar language in general doesn’t bother her. What’s most important to her is honesty. I agreed, but I interjected that I expect a president to have a certain level of professionalism as the leader of our country, which demands a certain amount of respect and common human decency. This may seem like it could’ve been a heated discussion, but we were really just talking, listening to each other fully before speaking, and this is why I have so much respect for my grandparents, even though they aren’t always on the same wavelength as I am. I left the car after being dropped off at home feeling refreshed and invigorated knowing my opinion was heard.

On a lighter note, the final experience I’d like to touch upon was getting our Christmas tree. We’re the type of family that begins thinking about Christmas the moment after Thanksgiving concludes. In fact, our house was almost entirely decorated beforehand. We spent about an hour and a half prancing through rows of trees before we settled on one, which was particularly indecisive even for us. The tree we ended up with was a few inches too tall for our living room ceiling, even with such careful measuring, so the star looks a little wonky on top, but if you look at the picture, I’d say we did a pretty good job working around that, and it turned out beautiful.

I woke up on Monday feeling a bit sad to leave the comforts of home, but unlike before, I knew I could push through. I’m already getting a bit sentimental in preparation for another month of relaxation, friends and family, but more importantly, I’m thankful for whoever took the time to read this (I know it was long). Happy holidays and I hope you had a great break too 🙂

I went into this week knowing it would be very stressful, as I had three major projects due, one of which I wasn’t even sure how I was going to structure. Luckily, my new friend group took my mind off of things over the weekend, at least for the time being. We all met at The Corner Room for dinner, and then hung out afterwards at one of their dorms. (I got carrot cake btw, it was really good).

Indian Hill Road—-> The Corner Room (in a car)- 5.2 miles, 13 mins

I know what you’re thinking, (that’s cheating, you didn’t even walk or bike that route and you’re including it in a fitness log). And you’re right, but also, shhhh. We ended up sleeping over and I didn’t have my contact stuff- so I had to borrow it from someone else, and in the morning I had to rush out of there to go to work- but it was all worth it. I’m so thankful that despite living at home, I’ve found a solid group of people I can confide in here.

On Tuesday I was really feeling the heat. I had both a bio lab report and a creative writing presentation due on Thursday, and I knew Wednesday would be reserved for a full day of school and work. However, my best friend since grade school that goes to school in Canada would be down visiting for the week, and we decided to meet at Panera to study.

Willard Building——> Panera bread, 0.6 miles, 5 mins

It was great to see a familiar face again, as most of my closest friends went away for school. In between our studying we got to talk about our lives, and how things were going. It was a really refreshing twist- instead of sitting alone for hours stressing I was laughing at a random joke we made, while still getting a lot done. Hopefully this weekend we’ll be able to hang out one more time before she leaves.

Thursday was a whole ordeal. My lab report was due that day- and I hadn’t even started. I woke up super early, ended up skipping a morning class, and worked all the way through until about 1:30, until I finally got it done. 10 pages to be exact. Then I had to actually attend the lab, which was 3 hours long, to get feedback on something I knew wasn’t the greatest. Luckily, I have a week to revise and then turn

in the finished product.

This week has taught me that worrying an excess amount is futile. Sure, anxiety can drive success, but not in a healthy way. Sometimes, it’s best to just let things be, and put yourself above your work. Make time for people who mean the most to you, no matter how busy you really are. Find ways to incorporate work and leisure as one, and sometimes, drop everything to ensure that your wellbeing comes first. If you really can’t do your lab report Wednesday night, it’s ok, there’s always Thursday morning, even if it means missing a morning class, those extra hours of sleep are worth it 🙂 It’s ok, really, it’s gonna be ok.

I’m not going to lie, this week and potentially this upcoming week have been marked by immense stress. Monday I was feeling under the weather, so I couldn’t attend any of my classes, and I was stuck at home playing catch-up. Tuesday I had school, work, then more school. I work midday on Tuesdays sometimes cause that’s when I’m available, and let me tell you, going to a class at 10:35 till 11:50 in Willard, walking all the way back to the commuter lot, and high-tailing it to Wegmans to work from 1-5, then high-tailing it back for a class from 6-7:15, is not fun. Do not recommend.

The genius in me decided to take two writing courses in one semester, and while creative writing is one of my passions, it becomes a burden at 6pm when I’ve been running around all day, usually on a mostly empty stomach. But hey, I’m alive and kicking, and that’s all I can really ask for.

Wednesday was mostly a blur, but I do remember coming home to dinner with my family and two of my step-dad’s coworkers, who happen to be around my age and decently funny. It was an even more comical time trying to help my brother, Tyler, with a last minute anatomy project. Luckily, he chose the digestive tract as his model, so whatever food we cooked up didn’t have to look too pretty to pass as intestines. Also, strangely fitting for Halloween.

I know what you’re thinking, Thursday rolls around and surely I went out for spooky season, but no. Rest assured, I did go out last Friday with a few friends, but sadly, tonight, on all Hallows Eve, I’m stuck inside writing reflections and doing math homework. It is currently 12:04 am, and this will be my last assignment for the night. I know I’m breaking the fourth wall a little bit there, but don’t dwell on it too much. Also, today I got to have dinner with a friend and help her study for a Bio exam I already took, and that was honestly one of the highlights of my week. It’s nice when spontaneous little excursions derail you from your

normal routine for a while. Sabrina, even though you won’t read this, I appreciate you very much!

Unfortunately, since the last passion blog, I do not have any new walking routes, nor words of wisdom to share, but I think it’s important to be honest about my experiences, and let them happen when they may. If I had forced something, or made something up, any reader would’ve caught on immediately, and I strive to be as authentic as I can be. Nevertheless, I hope I at least entertained you with my somewhat sarcastic account of a few days in the life of me. Perhaps we’ll meet again soon.