© Emma Lamoreaux | Daughter, Roseanne Lamoreaux, RN, BSN | Hemophilia Treatment Center
life is meant to seem perfect
once you reach the ripe age of 20
you see, i haven’t reached it yet, however
months away, anxiety drawing nearer each day
i’ve been told you can’t have “something real” before twenty
but i reflect; these past months feel like a blur
the presence of pain
the fear of finding my own way
the “once in a lifetime” opportunities
the trickiness of being an “adult”
basically put, the highs, the lows
the superficiality of life past 18, it seems
and yet all this time
i think of you
i think of before you, before 18, now before 20
the utter of your name from my lips means so much that only we know
it means growth, transformation, love, security, change
but it’s unfortunately cursed with double meaning
it also means losing hope, undying uncertainty, unexpected change
it meant change, looking back on it
the love, once in the moment
now just a faint memory of the past
a picture in the stack given to you on your birthday
i have craved the feeling of your touch
the hug upon the drop of a tear
your hand running through my thinning hair
the trace of my hand on your back
your hand on my cheek after a joke left us with wrinkled eyes
i never thought someone could leave behind so much
i was wrong
and here i am
is this processing
is this leaving behind old versions of myself
is this surviving
this is changing
without you, here i am
days away from the so-called perfect age
what’s so great about being 20