© Olivia Okken (Age 12)
Family of Kelly Okken, Facilities Planning & Construction
What happened to being normal? Now I know that you may be thinking, “Normal?! Ha, there is no such thing as normal!” But I know and I meant what I said. To put it in a way that you may or may not understand, it’s like an out of body experience. Not for all, but for some, normal is NOT a thing for us anymore. At least it hasn’t been for a while. So, just sit there and think, think about this.
You’re in your head, you’re in the walls, you’re in your pencil, you’re everywhere! But all at the same time you’re just sitting there at your desk and doing all of your work with ease, because you have to. But you still can’t get rid of that mind-bending, stomach-swirling feeling that you’re nowhere and everywhere at the same time.
They all say describe, describe, describe, DESCRIBE! Everyone always asks you to describe what you’re going through. Explain, explain, explain, EXPLAIN what you’re feeling, but all you can do is sit and think about trying to describe the indescribable, the un-understandable. Suddenly, you finally think of a way to describe it, “It’s like I’m watching my life as though someone is watching a movie” or, “It’s as though I’m watching my life not from my eyes but through some distorted lens that I just CAN’T DESCRIBE.”
You’re taught these grounding techniques that use your five senses.
• Hearing: Identify the things that you hear. Voices change and sound manipulated, they get LOUDER, then quieter. You hear silence when everyone’s mouths are moving, or you hear chaos, just complete and utter chaos.
• Taste: Chocolate or anything on hand that you can taste that could possibly help.
• Touch: Anything near you. Your sense of touch is heightened and you have a high pain tolerance.
• Smell: Lotion, hand sanitizer, candles, anything to bring you back.
• Sight: They say, identify the things that you are seeing, when all you can do is sit, study the room and think about the distance between you and everyone else.
You are finally back in a “normal” state of mind, then BAM! You’re back, maybe forever this time. It happened as fast as a boulder would drop from an inch off the ground. There are only two big differences this time. This time it feels more intense and no grounding techniques are working. You feel trapped, as though a camera is watching your every move.
This time it is lasting longer. A month passes, five months pass, 10, 11. One year later you lose hope on ever returning back to “normal.” It’s been a year and a half since anything has worked to bring you back to your mind. You can now subconsciously figure out when you’re in this weird indescribable state deeper or shallower. You know when you feel more disconnected with everyone and everything around you, verses when you feel ok but still stuck in the camera.
Dissociation: A mental process of disconnecting from one’s thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity. This is only one of many things this feeling could be. Even if you are not going through exactly what I just described, I still think it’s something important. Different people experience this differently, so don’t be worried.
Now I only have one question for you after everything. Have you ever felt that way? That feeling when you’re down deep in feeling of indescribable depths of things you can’t describe. You don’t have to answer, but you should at the very least think about it. It’s something a lot of people go through. You’re not alone, and you shouldn’t feel alone either.