I’m gay.

Was not the first thing I told my mom.

There was no pretense. Maybe my usual tell-tale signs of having a crush, where everything they did or said made the list of things to tell my mom. I grew up with a single mother and my older brother, so when I was younger, I would report my day to her, go to the store with her, share things I enjoyed with her, and even shared a bed with her for an embarrassingly long time. But I was really close to her and enjoyed her company. She was the first on the list when I made my rounds.

On a ride back home from the store, it was me and my mom in the car. It was quiet and the topic was on my mind, so I felt nervous and giddy. When discussing relationships with my mom previously, she told me she thought high schoolers were too young for relationships. So I began the conversation with asking if she still felt that way. She did, and I accepted this and even agreed to a certain extent, but told her there were some mature teenagers out there. Then, I went for it, almost giddily like it was some time of game.

“Mom, I have someone I like. Did you notice?”

“No, who is it?”

“Someone I’ve been talking about a lot recently.”

That statement was big enough tip off and a big enough shock for her to realize it was a recent friend I made, a girl. The next morning, when she was ironing clothes, she made sure to ask me if I was pressured into the relationship by her or if we felt pressured by all the couples around us to become a couple ourselves. I said no to both and she let out a solemn OK. After her was my cousin and brother, who I also felt pretty comfortable around. They were surprised, but accepted it just the same. Even now, they still ask me about her, tease us and make silly remarks. My ‘coming out’ was more of a ‘coming out about my relationship’ rather than about my sexuality. My family seemed to assume I was a lesbian though and didn’t question it further.

I admit to not giving the subject as much thought as it deserved, not questioning the affect my attraction to a girl would have and wanting to tell everyone in my family about it. The fact that I had a close relationship with my family made this easier though. On the other hand, her family, more precisely her mom, gave us hell and sent us on the pursuit of defining ‘what a relationship is’.

This tumultuous point in our first year together forced us to take this relationship seriously and allowed us to discover ourselves sexually. We both adopted the term pansexual since we didn’t have a preference in who we were attracted to. In the end, we didn’t end up figuring out exactly what being in a relationship meant. We have realized how important we are to each other, and I can say with certainty that all I want is her happiness and that, if anything were to happen to us, we’d remain close friends.

So for this post, my advice is to those in the lgbtq community and those seeking relationships is to give thought to your situation when you let your family know about your sexuality or partner. Consult people you trust, but also anticipate them reacting different from what you expect. We’re born in a world where hoping that a child grows up to find a nice partner of the opposite sex is natural. To hear suddenly that that the expectations they had might not happen will take them while to adjust to. Give them time to digest this, don’t push them to understand or accept it, but remain firm in reminding them whenever they don’t respect your preferences. Sometimes the best result is a compromise, even if it’s agreeing to disagree. If the opportunity reveals itself to discuss it seriously, address their concerns and tell them you’re still the same person. Even though my mom doesn’t exactly approve my relationship, she respects my happiness, and that’s the only thing I could ask of her.

This can be a really stressful ordeal, so make sure you have a close friend or even your partner with you during the process. If you decide to come out, take your time, see it through to the end, communicate and compromise. You can do it. You’ve got this. And good luck.