Do you ever wish you could go back in time and see a wooly mammoth, watch a dodo bird waddle around, or send a message just once using an extinct passenger pigeon? Sadly, we came into existence too late to see these and many other amazing creatures.
Or did we? Now for a short period of time, you can own the complete set of Cloning Extinct Animals for Dummies for the amazing deal of 49.99 $39.99 (20% off!).
Following the quick and easy steps provided, you’ll go from gene sequencing to playing God and be well on your way to impressing all your friends with your new pet mammoth. Still on the fence? Not sure any of this is possible? Check out this free excerpt provided:
CHAPTER 1: How to Bring Back the Wooly Mammoth in 7 Easy Steps:
(Adapted from LiveScience.com)
Materials:
1. Millions of dollars in funding
2. Mammoth DNA sample
3. Asian Elephant DNA sample
4. 2 Asian Elephant Surrogate Mothers
5. Place to store Asian Elephant Surrogate Mothers
6. 20-40 years for technology to catch up
7. (2) 22 month periods for gestation
8. 13 years for hybrids to mate
Step 1. The first step to bringing any extinct animal back into existence is mapping the complete genome of said organism. In 2008, Penn State researchers mapped roughly 
70% of the wooly mammoth genome using hairs from mammoths preserved in Siberian permafrost. However, after careful calculation, you may realize that this leaves 30% of the genome left. These gaps may be filled in using genetic information from the mammoth’s closest living relative: the Asian Elephant. Depending on which portions of the genome are being filled, feel free to modify the Asian elephant genome to better match a mammoth’s characteristics.
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Step 2. Now that you have your complete Mammoth Genome, it’s time to insert the genome into the germ cells of two Asian Elephant mothers. You can find many great deals on Asian Elephants if you buy used on Ebay, or if you care to spend a little extra money, you can buy brand-new elephants at www.elephants.R.us.com (Shipping and handling may apply). 
There are as of yet, various methods in the making for inserting your genome into the germ line of mammals, but none have been proven effective as of yet. Become the first by experimenting with your Asian elephants to find the germ line genetic transfer technique that works for you. During this stage is when you can really bond with your new elephants.
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Step 3. Once you have inserted the mammoth genome into both Asian Elephant’s germ cells, you can now artificially inseminate the elephants using futuristic techniques that
enable your germ cells to populate the mammoth’s embryo in greater numbers than the elephants non-modified germ cells. This step may make your elephants uncomfortable, so it is recommended that you sedate them to avoid being trampled or squashed, (Note: If you are trampled or squashed please seek medical attention immediately and call the elephant injury hotline at 1-800-STOMPED). In addition, rather large gloves and protective eye-wear should be worn at all times during this step. Trust me.
Step 4. Wait 22 months for the elephant’s gestation period. Coincidentally, this is the longest gestation period of any mammal. Keep in mind, this is a difficult time for both elephants. Always be supportive and comforting if your elephants appear to be in distress. Reading to them is an effective way of reducing stress and helping them get through the tough months.
Step 5. Birth your elephants. (Gloves and protective eyewear HIGHLY recommended). A C-section may be necessary if complications arise.
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Step 6. By this time, you may have noticed that your newborn elephants do not bear any resemblance to a mammoth. This is because the elephant DNA is still dominant.
However, the mammoth genetic material is still incorporated into the newborn elephants’ DNA. For now, raise your elephants to sexual maturity, approximately 13 years. Remember, elephants never forget. The first few years in life are critical in a young elephant’s development. Be sure to take them on regular walks, and give them the occasional mud bath for the best results.
Step 7. Once the newborn elephants have reached sexual maturity, breed them together to allow the recessive mammoth DNA to become expressed in the phenotype (appearance). Repeat steps 4 and 5. Because genetics is still random, there is a 
chance that your offspring may look exactly like the parents (in which case you have only wasted 13 years and (2) 22 month intervals of your life), but in theory, your offspring should closely resemble a wooly mammoth so long as you did step 1 properly.
Congratulations. You have now created a wooly mammoth from scratch. Feeling almighty? Note: If your mammoths didn’t turn out (i.e. lacking hair, extra head, resembles an amoeba more than a mammoth, etc.), turn to Appendix A for helpful trouble shooting tips.
For proper care and maintenance of your wooly mammoth, please consult our How – To Guide, Wooly Mammoths for Dummies. Just $29.99.
Remember, your new mammoth is a genetic anomaly and may be prone to odd, never before seen, rare genetic diseases. It is advised that you visit your vet (preferably a mammoth specialist) regularly to monitor your mammoth’s progress.
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NEXT PAGE: CHAPTER 2: How to turn your backyard into Jurassic Park in 15 easy steps →
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Ok, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. The books described above don’t actually exist, at least, not yet, though I am still accepting checks if you wish to pre-order. Many of the techniques described above face severe technological road blocks that must be overcome if they are going to ever be implemented. However, steps are being made to find ways around these obstacles. The science to cloning extinct animals is getting closer each day. Nevertheless, before we do that, we must ask ourselves one question: Is it worth the experimentation? Like all great scientific advances, huge sums of money will be necessary and the experimentation will undoubtedly go horribly wrong when the techniques are still in their infancy? Is it worth subjecting complex life forms to this bizarre form of animal cruelty in order to appease our guilty consciences by bringing back the very species we drove to extinction in the first place?* While we may continue to progress in our genetic techniques, we probably won’t be seeing any long-lost extinct species roaming the earth again any time soon.
*Note: Recent fossil records have indicated that mammoth’s did not die out as a result of climate change as is commonly believed. While disease is another potential culprit, many scientists believe that the planets dominant predator (humans) were the driving force behind the mammoths decline (AFP, 2010). So, it seems even our earliest ancestors were driving species to extinction thousands of years ago.
Works Cited:
1. AFP. “How Did the Mammoths Go Extinct? Discovery News. 31 Mar. 2010. Web. http://news.discovery.com/animals/endangered-species/woolly-mammoth-extinction.htm
2. Tate, Karl. “How to Bring Back the Woolly Mammoth (Infographic).” LiveScience. TechMedia Network, 08 Oct. 2013. Web. http://www.livescience.com/40264-how-to-bring-back-the-woolly-mammoth-infographic.html
My apologies for those of you who attempted to access Elephants R Us from the link I provided earlier. The link was temporarily down, but it is now up and running again. Thank you for your patience while this issue was being handled. You may now continue your online elephant shopping.
“7 easy steps….1 – millions of dollars in funding”
I laughed far more than I should have at this post. In all honestly though I feel like we should bring back the woolly mammoth. Maybe in the future we will. Think of how cool it would be to have a woolly mammoth as a pet.
This is one of the greatest posts I’ve read in a while – I found it hilarious but also incredibly informative. I don’t think I am against bringing back extinct species on principle, but there has to be a very good reason for doing it, something better than just “It’s cool!” I think if researchers believed certain extinct species would be beneficial in certain struggling ecosystems, it might be worth looking into. Of course, I’m not an expert, so I’m just speculating!
Wow, ben. I’m slightly disappointed. you create a fake hyperlink and not a fake website to go along with it. But seriously I thought your post was hilarious
Wow! This was a great and hilarious post. That’s very interesting how people could potentially clone extinct animals. I love how you presented the information in an engaging way. I laughed so much!
This article is really cool and well written! A note about your note: I think the consensus is still that there were multiple factors in the demise of the mammoth and other megafauna as I think they are often referred to as. I probably read the same recent articles about that find as you! Humans certainly played a role and the recent study does indicate that humans may have played a larger role, but it is one study and there was not a very large human population at the time so I remain a bit skeptical of solely blaming humans.
I laughed quite a bit reading this. I was convinced it was a real book. To be honest, if it was, I’d definitely consider buying it. Personally, I don’t think we should try to bring back extinct species. Yes, it’d be cool to see species that are no longer around, but chance are that a lot of them disappeared in the first place because the environment was no longer suitable for their existence. Even if, like in the case of mammoths, humans are the reason the species went extinct, I highly doubt that mammoths would be able to exist properly in this day and age. I can’t see how messing with nature in that way could yield positive results. It’s a dangerous direction to go.