In myself. I’m disappointed in my performance this semester, and I’ve really got no one to blame but myself. I overcommitted myself, against the well-intentioned advice of others, and here I am at the end of the semester finally starting to realize this. I’m stretched too thin right now, not being a good enough group member, scholar, friend, leader, you name it. In some way, big or small, I’ve failed repeatedly in all of these aspects this semester. Now this is all also odd to say because this semester has been my favorite one at Penn State so far, but after lots of reflection the past few days, it has started to rear its ugly head. Let’s break it down.

Academics: This is the big one. My academic performance this semester has been… subpar. It’s hardly the end of the world, I’m not doing that badly, and my grades “matter” very little anymore now that I have a job secured after graduation. But that doesn’t change my own internal expectations and my reaction to it. I’m used to being a student who gets A’s and maybe an A- or two. This semester, I’m expecting mostly B’s with maybe and A- thrown in there, and maybe even a C or C+ depending on how one final goes.

The hardest part about this though is that I’ve let other people down. I’ve been late on so many homework assignments and projects (and blogs… like this one), I’ve been a poor group member, etc. I can handle getting a few “bad” grades, because at the end of the day it only affects me. But I’m disappointed that my lack of time management has started to affect others. That’s when it begins to bother me and necessitates change.

Organizations/Involvement: To be frank, I’ve had to drop (or at a minimum reduce my involvement) in a couple organizations I once cared deeply about. During my first two years here, I was heavily involved in Springfield THON and Engineering Ambassadors. Since then, I’ve transitioned into Camp Kesem and Global Engineering Fellows as my interests and passions have changed over time. This isn’t inherently a bad thing, as I am finding the things I care most about and devoting myself to them, but it still hurts to leave these organizations and friends on the outside looking in.

Friends & Family: Much like my involvement in clubs and organizations, my friendships have been affected this year. I’m living in a house with my absolute best friends in the world and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, it’s truly the best living situation I’ve ever had. But it’s also bittersweet; since so much of my time is spent on school-related things, so when I’m done for the day I’m pretty tired and I generally just go home. It works because my friends are all in the house, and we’ve shared so many great evenings together already. It’s a double-edged sword though because I have less time for my other friends, who I also care quite a bit about. I’ve had a tough time staying in touch routinely with my family back home or my sister in California or my aunts and uncles and cousins who are all curious to hear about my year and my experiences. I’ve been MIA for much of the semester, only giving them brief updates when they bug me enough.

Overall, I’m not really sure what I want the message of this blog to be. Life is all about prioritization, and it’s not like my semester has been entirely negative. I’ve prioritized the things I care most about (I hope) and at the end of the day I have to accept my decisions and live with the consequences, positive or negative. Even as I worked my way through writing this blog, I’ve realized it’s not necessarily an “all hope is lost” situation. I do know there’s some good in each of these along with the bad. But mentally that’s a hard justification to make. Internally I feel like I’m pulled in two different directions about it, much like I have been the rest of the semester. I’m hoping next semester will go better, as I’ve got a much lighter course load, and that I can begin to feel a bit more well-rounded and happy with my decisions again.