“Humankind can not bear very much reality”
T.S. Eliot
Infidelity and the Bystander Effect.
We can find countless blogs, articles, studies, books, movies, shows, and quotes on infidelity and every possible explanation for it and the emotional wreckage it causes. What I don’t see is anyone talking about how crappy it feels when you find out that everyone at your gym, all of your mutual friends, or everyone at the office knew your partner was being unfaithful. The social psychological aspect of infidelity is fascinating however what I have always been curious about is the bystander effect as it relates to infidelity.
I’m sure we all have had some experience with this type of betrayal. My first personal experience with infidelity is when I first noticed this phenomenon and then once my eyes were open, I noticed its presence with every single example of infidelity where there was an on going affair. Almost everyone in my social group knew that my spouse was cheating. What I learned from my personal experience is the bystander effect is a strong force and the reason my spouse was able to continue such a lengthy affair. I remember my mom explaining to me the bystander effect when she was in college. I was in middle school and she thought it was a beneficial concept for females especially to understand because we can be a vulnerable population. She wanted me to understand it so that would be able to recognize it if I were in a situation that this presented I would be able adjust my actions. I didn’t make the connection between this effect and how it affects other situations until the second time I had someone cheat on me. Yikes eh? It’s okay, I have learned a great deal through the process…and look…I’m almost a genius because I’m making this connection.
The bystander effect is the phenomena that people are less likely to help someone in need when there are other bystanders present. The idea of diffusion of responsibility explains this to some extent by suggesting there is a diminished sense of responsibility. (Schneider, Gruman, Coutts 2013)
Now, I’m not suggesting that knowing about the infidelity of co-worker or best friends husband/boyfriend is the same kind of jerk that takes a picture or records a video instead of calling for help or helping in some way. What I am suggesting is that even though there is an explanation for why people don’t tell you your partner is cheating by way of the bystanders effect and diffusion of responsibility, the emotional crap storm that happens when you get cheated on is magnified when you find out there was a silent audience.
What makes us not help each other in some situations and not others? The diffusion of responsibility from bystanders of my spouse’s infidelity leads me to wonder what story they told themselves about why they didn’t speak up. Who did they think was responsible? Did they even think about it? Where is our empathy for others? Maybe we use the bystander effect to lightly and instead we have some soul searching to do as individuals and need to take some responsibility for the way we treat each other.
References
References
Eliot, T. (n.d.). Four Quartets – Wikiquote. Retrieved October 1, 2014, from http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Four_Quartets
Schneider, F. W., Gruman, J. A., & Coutts, L. M. (2012). Applied social psychology: Understanding and addressing social and practical problems. Los Angeles: Sage.