There are several different styles of attachment; secure, preoccupied, fearful and dismissive. The secure attachment style is defined as being relatively easy to become emotionally close to others and being comfortable depending on others, as well as being comfortable with being alone (Schneider 2012). The fearful style is defined as being shy in social situations, having difficulty sharing with others due to fear of being rejected (Schneider 2012).
In my relationships I am very similar to statement number 1 on the list of attitudes towards close relationships; secure. I feel comfortable becoming close to somebody, and sharing intimate parts of myself with others. I’m not preoccupied with relationships. In my marriage I don’t worry about doing things independently from my husband, nor do I worry that he may not love me just because he went to watch the basketball game with his buddies. I find it interesting that my husband is more like statement number 3; fearful. However, it makes sense when I think about how he communicates compared to myself. I openly share a lot about my childhood, most experiences I’ve had growing up and in young adulthood. I share intimate details of my experiences, whether it is a day at work or an event I went to with my girlfriends. When I perceive an issue in our relationship, I can easily talk about how I’m feeling and find a way to resolve whatever it is, rather than worry about what he might think if I bring it up and let it fester. I trust that he will accept me and be there for me. He on the other hand has always been quite reserved with sharing intimate details of himself, his childhood, or even his day to day experiences. For instance he will say his day at work was “good” when all over his face is “I had a crappy day.”
We have been together for seventeen years. At one point, after our second child we just couldn’t seem to get it together. We finally decided to give counseling try, as we love each other deeply. A very good decision with a great outcome! How we communicate played a huge role in our discord. Now thinking about our attachment styles, how I’m comfortable and openly share myself and he is reserved and uncertain about how he will be perceived. Makes a lot of sense!
Schneider, F., Gruman, J., Coutts, L. (2012). Applied Social Psychology: Understanding and Addressing Social and Practical Problems (2nd ed.). Los Angeles: Sage.
I agree communication is the key to any relationship. How we were raised does play an important part on how we communicate. Those of us who had secure attachments in childhood usually feel more confident and may be more likely to have healthy relationship throughout life. An important aspect in adult relationships is recognizing the different types and being able to accommodate to them. If we take the time to really understand our significant others we will have a better chance of communicating better. If you expect others to act just like you and respond like you it could create problems. I think it’s great you went to counseling to help work through your communication problems. Sometimes it’s just a translation issue and nothing to do with love. If you can figure out how to compromise in a relationship you have a better chance of making it through tough times. If people can be honest about who they are from the beginning and do not try to be who they think people want the miscommunication of attachment styles will likely decrease. Letting people know from the beginning what you expect and what you need can help create a healthy relationship of any kind.
Communication is an important factor in making any relationship work. If two people are not able to effectively communicate, it can quickly result in confusion, misjudgments and arguments. I think finding a balance in communication is especially difficult for women and men because they adhere to different styles of communication. This topic actually reminds me of the email communication essay we did earlier in the semester. One of the research topics associated with the assignment was about how people use themselves as a reference point when judging others’ perspectives, thoughts and feelings. In part, I think that is one reason that women and men have difficulties with communication. Not recognizing the difference in communication styles, women and men try to understand each other by using themselves as a reference point, which inevitably results in a lot of confusion and misinterpretation.