Being an adult learner is not a sinecure! It is hard, it is demanding, it is time consuming and exhausting. Being an adult learner is also a blessing! It is fulfilling, challenging, it is meaningful and it gives a great sense of accomplishment! My husband is there for me during this complex period. He provides support and comfort during stressful exam times. He takes care of the kids while I study. He is comprehensive, when I am not available almost all Saturday and Sunday afternoons because I have to catch-up on my assignments. He also shows a genuine interest on the different subjects I study. He responds with enthusiast when I share a good grade with him.
Most people understand, and researches show, that one key to satisfying relationship is when individuals are there to provide support and comfort in difficult times. But what many people fail to recognize is the importance of how individuals respond to good events. In an article titled “Will You Be There for me When Things Go Right?” Gable, Gonzaga, and Strachman (2006) found in dating couples that supportive reactions to positive events were more strongly associated with relationship well-being and relationship longevity than responses to negative events.
Gable, Reis, Impett, and Asher (2004) described four ways that we can respond when our partner shares a good event with us: active-constructive responding, active destructive responding, passive constructive responding, and passive destructive responding. Assume you just get promoted, and you share this wonderful news with your mate. If he responds with enthusiasm and wants to know more about your advancement: he is showing an active constructive responding. If he points out the potential downside of your promotion : he is displaying an active destructive responding. If he responds in a muted way: he is providing a passive constructive responding. Finally, if his response is conveying disinterest by changing subject, he is showing a passive destructive responding. Couple who use active-constructive responding have great marriages. The other responses, if they dominate, are associated with marital dissatisfaction.
A good relationship is not devoid of conflict or negativity. Psychologist John Gottman and his colleagues studied marriages longitudinally and found that disagreement and anger are not necessarily harmful for a relationship. It is the way we handle our conflicts that matters. Contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling and criticism during disagreement foreshadow divorce, whereas humor, affection, and more generally positive interaction make successful marriages. Gottman suggests that the ratio of the explicit positive to the explicit negative interactions must exceed 5:1. It can be hard to get rid of the negative in your relationship. One way to attain the ratio of 5:1 is to increase positive interactions. An easy and accessible way is to respond in active constructive way when your partner shares a good news with you.
Gable uses a very straightforward image to define relationship. Be each other’s safety net when things go bad, and each other trampoline when things go right!
Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What Do You Do When Things Go Right? The Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Benefits of Sharing Positive Events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228-245. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.87.2.228
Gable, S. L., Gonzaga, G. C., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Supportive responses to positive event disclosures. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 904-917. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.91.5.904
Gruman, J. A., Schneider, F. W., & Coutts, L. (2012). Applied social psychology: Understanding and addressing social and practical problems. Los Angeles ; London ; New Dehli ; Singapore ; Washington DC ; Melbourne: SAGE.
Peterson, C. (2006). A primer in positive psychology. New York: Oxford University Press
Interesting post! I was introduced to Gottman’s ideas in a positive psychology class. I’ve since looked more into his work. One of his techniques to learn about marital relationships is to have couples stay in his New York City apartment where they are watched through one way glass, with videos recording their interactions, and monitors on their clothing that record their heart rate and stress levels. I’m not interested in doing that myself, but it seemed like an intriguing way to study relationships.
I enjoyed learning about the four ways we can respond to partners sharing information. Clearly the active-constructive style would foster deeper more satisfying conversations since partners would truly feel cared about and the subject they brought up would be discussed at length rather than just responded to quickly and moving on. I think I would like to teach my teenage children about this. I would say their main style of communicating with each other right now is active-deconstructive. Basically arguing. About everything. And about why they are so right and the other is so wrong. I guess maybe they will grow out of it, but some learned skills can’t hurt right? I thought about making it a game, with a board in the center of the dinner table that is divided into four quadrants each labeled with one response style. We would all have a pile of one color beans and each time someone responded they would put a bean on that quadrant. The winner ends dinner with the most beans in the active-constructive zone. This would be good practice for me too. It’s not always easy to come up with positive statements and open-ended questions to further the subject introduced. It’s a skill we need to practice – every dinner time for awhile!
Hi there!
I really liked this post. I am not married but have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and we live together. Learning how to better our relationships and better ourselves for others is so important and it makes us grow! I have heard of Gotten before, but I did not know about the reaction types. That is so interesting to me, I can think of a recent situation and pick out which reaction I had, and which my boyfriend had – both active-constructive so yay! Thanks so much for sharing this interesting information.