The Gottman method was developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, beginning in the 1980s. Highlighting the value of marital friendship, shared fondness and admiration, and managing conflict, the Gottman approach focuses on giving couples the tools they need to repair any negative interactions and begin building and maintaining a Sound Relationship House. Through a large amount of research, albeit much of it conducted in their own “love lab” at the Gottman Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, the Gottman method has been established as a valuable, successful, and distinct model of couples therapy based on empirical data of real couples observed repeatedly in real time.
The overall foundation of all Gottman interventions is the Sound Relationship House. According to Gottman, the foundation of any healthy relationship is marital friendship. The friendship between the couple is the foundation of the house—essentially, something the couple can always fall back on. Building and strengthening the marital friendship is actually an intervention for the Gottman method because of the change it can generate and the way it affects the relationship. Just above that layer of the house is building what Gottman calls “love maps”—in other words, a map of each partner’s world. This is in depth knowledge about each other gives insight as to how each one functions, the way they operate, what matters to them, what their priorities are, all the way down to their favorite things (Gottman, 1999). This helps the couple understand each other on a deeper level and be more considerate and aware of the person they are. The following level of the house is sharing fondness and admiration for each other—if this is legitimately the case, then hopefully this will be a default consideration and way of operating for the couple. Turning towards instead of away is the next layer—a major part of the Sound Relationship House. Even in Gottman’s “Love Lab,” this is a significant thing that he looks for because if one or both partners consistently turn away from each other instead of turning towards each other in any given scenario, that creates additional relationship distance and spells trouble for how the couple connects. The next level of the house is the positive perspective—this will be further discussed later on, but is basically the couple having a consistently solidly positive view of each other and the relationship and reflecting that in their interactions.
The following level of the house holds a major Gottman theory of change and intervention within it, and this is managing conflict. Managing conflict, according to Gottman, involves accepting influence from each other, having dialogue about the problems, and practicing self-soothing. The style in which each approaches and engages their conflicts must be analyzed, although research has shown that contrary to the assumptions of the Gottman method, not all conflict styles are created equal (Busby & Holman, 2009). Rejection of influence from one’s partner often causes tension and strife, and in order to manage (and even resolve) conflict, accepting of some influence is necessary. The kind of dialogue that is had (and the fact that it is being had) also matters in the Gottman model—especially at the onset of the discussion. The way the conversation opens has everything to do with the path that it goes down. According to the Gottman model, a harsh start up to conversation is usually followed by one of the four horsemen and rarely leads to any positive dialogue, rather, they incite defensive behavior in both partners. Soft startups indicate a positive perspective and sensitivity towards the other partner and are far more successful in having good dialogue about problems. These startups are often the difference, in the Gottman perspective, between talking about feelings related to a problem, and casting blame at a partner. Self-soothing is always a valuable skill as well. If a partner cannot calm themselves down after an argument, a bad day, or a negative interaction, they are prone to stack one on top of the other and create further negative interactions. That said, research shows that there are other factors that can play into conflict along with Gottman’s perspective, such as Bowen’s differentiation/individuation concepts (Gubbins, Perosa, & Bartle-Haring, 2010).
The next levels are similar to each other, the first being making life dreams come true, and the final, or the “attic” per se, being creating shared meaning, and often these go hand in hand. This has much to do with another Gottman model intervention called dreams within conflict.
Busby, D. M., & Holman, T. B. (2009). Perceived match or mismatch on the Gottman conflict styles: Associations with relationship outcome variables. Family Process, 48(4), 531-545. doi:10.1111/j.1545-5300.2009.01300.x
David, P. (2015). Wedding the Gottman and Johnson Approaches into an Integrated Model of Couple Therapy. The Family Journal, 23(4), 336-345.
Driver, J. L., & Gottman, J. M. (2004). Daily Marital Interactions and Positive Affect During Marital Conflict Among Newlywed Couples. Family Process, 43(3), 301-314. doi:10.1111/j.1545-5300.2004.00024.x
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically-based marital therapy. New York: W.W. Norton.
Gubbins, C. A., Perosa, L. M., & Bartle-Haring, S. (2010). Relationships between married couples’ self-differentiation/individuation and Gottman’s model of marital interactions. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 32(4), 383-395. doi:10.1007/s10591-010-9132-4