I think that by saying jealousy can help a relationship and bring two people closer is almost equivalent to saying that infidelity can bring two people closer and help the relationship. Although this is not false in every single case, but to say one size fits all is wrong in my opinion. I also think it is wrong to normalize and accept paranoid/suspicious behavior in fear of humiliation and infidelity or the loss of your partner (Psychology Today, 2022). This is regardless of if the threat is real or imagined.
Jealousy in an intimate relationship may seem cute or attractive to an inexperienced person, but anyone who has been around the block a couple times, who has a firm grasp on what a healthy relationship is, would disagree. Jealousy is not synonymous with the anger or hurt felt through finding out your partner has been cheating or lying. To me, jealousy is an act of attempted control over a person or situation. You feel jealous because you cannot control the outcome of a situation or your partners thoughts/feelings.
How do we mitigate that? It is much easier said than done, as with most complexities. I think it is important to remind ourselves of a few things when engaging in relationships, especially new ones. For one, we cannot have control over everything, nor should we want to. Your partner, just like you, is going to do what they are going to do regardless of your insecurities or paranoia. If your partner decides to act shady, out of pocket, or however you want to word it. Just say thank you and move on. Like I said though, it is much easier said than done.
Going back to my first paragraph, there are many struggles or muddy waters than can arise while in a close relationship with someone. You have to take the good with the bad because obviously no one is perfect. However, that does not mean you have to accept actions of infidelity or jealousy. Each relationship is different, as is each person. Not all rules apply to all relationships and I think it is important to remember that. We can get too hung up on our own expectations with others and not allow the space for another to grow in order to meet them where they are at.
Reading your post truly has me clapping at my screen. I could not agree more with your stance about jealousy. Jealousy has always to me has always been a controlling technique. I think a major thing people need to understand as jealousy does not only play an important role in intimate relationships but also in friendships. It has been studied that sometimes jealousy could strengthen friendships as it may alert us to act on a neglecting friendship. (Krems et al., 2021) I think this was an interesting find because we always view jealousy as a negative and sometimes it could be our brains’ natural response to protecting ourselves and the ones we love!
Reference:
Krems, J. A., Williams, K. E., Aktipis, A., & Kenrick, D. T. (2021). Friendship jealousy: One tool for maintaining friendships in the face of third-party threats? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 120(4), 977–1012. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000311
I absolutely agree with your blog. A misconception about jealousy is that it is used as a yardstick to measure how much someone cares for us; if they’re jealous, then it must mean they care (which isn’t true).
Jealousy usually runs in people who have low self-esteem, feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and people who see a large discrepancy between who they are now and who they would like to be. Some people believe that jealousy is a measure of devotion and that the lack of jealousy means a lack of love. However, jealousy is related more to injured pride or to people’s fear of losing what they want to control or possess rather than love. Jealousy is often due to our imagining and fearing being abandoned by our partner for someone else.
Gruman, J.A.,Schneider, F.W., & Coutts, L.A. (2017). Applied Social Psychology: Understanding and Addressing Social and Practical Problems. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
I think it’s very interesting that you start of by talking about jealousy as a positive tool to help a relationship, then counter the opposite. I think jealousy should be used very wisely because it has the potential to negatively impact many relationships (Gruman,2016). Rules and expectations when it comes to intimate relationships should be discussed prior to entering in a relationship.
Applied Social Psychology : Understanding and Addressing Social and Practical Problems. Jamie A. Gruman, Frank W. Schneider, and Larry M. Coutts . SAGE Publications . 2016