“The matching phenomenon” caught my eye as I was reading this week’s material because my initial reaction was the opposite of the study’s results. According to the textbook, “The matching phenomenon, preferring a long-term partner who is similar to oneself in looks (and other qualities), reduces the chances of either rejection or dissatisfaction.” (Schneider et al., 2016). That is, to my understanding, people tend to act in a risk-averse way as they consider choosing their long-term partners. For example, in Van Straaten’s experiment, participants are more likely to date the confederates who are similar in attractiveness. (2016) I understand that, as study shows, this matching phenomenon is a human behavior tendency in dating. However, I wonder, why not aim high when searching for love? What are the costs and benefits of taking the risk of aiming for mates that are so called “out of your league”?
What are the costs of asking the most attractive girl in your class for a date? The worst outcome is that she rejects you, which is often the case when you aim for the best. Indeed, being rejected is not a pleasant experience, and you might feel embarrassed. But your real journey begins here. After getting rejected, you learn from the experience and seek to improve yourself. You try again, and you approach the most attractive girl in perhaps another class. You keep learning and practicing until one day, you have improved yourself enough that even the most attractive girl is no longer “out of your league”.It is actually a good thing to get rejected because, with the right mindset, you would end up gaining a lot through rejection.
Now, what are the benefits of taking the risk of asking her out? The most attractive girl in your class might say “Yes” to you. You feel great, and you two have a chance to see if it works out for the long term. But let’s say the relationship doesn’t work out, and you go back to square one and start dating again. You still aim for someone who is so called “out of your league”. You could get rejected or accepted. If rejected, you would experience the process I just mentioned in the previous paragraph, and you learn from it and improve yourself. Therefore, an early “yes” might not be as good as you think because it delays your learning process dating-wise. To sum up, you actually benefit less through an early “Yes”.
Here is the recap: what are the costs and benefits of taking the risk of aiming for the most attractive girl? The cost is you could get rejected but you could also gain a lot through the rejection, and the benefit is you get accepted but you miss a chance to gain through rejections. Thus, as rational people, we choose what brings us the most gain, which in this case is to choose people who are more likely to reject us. To put it more bluntly, you will more likely be rejected by the most attractive person than those who are more likely to accept you as a potential mate. If you keep aiming for the top, you will likely keep getting rejected. But you win in the long run by becoming a better person through these rejections! This “always aiming high” mindset works not only in searching for love but in every aspect of a person’s life. A high expectation is a powerful engine that could lead you to a future level that you may initially think is totally “out of your league.”
So, why not aim high?
Schneider, F. W., Gruman, J. A., & Coutts, L. M. (Eds.). (2016). Applied social psychology: Understanding and addressing social and practical problems (3nd ed). Sage.
Tags: psych424, The matching phenomenon