No. No, I’m not. I’m a polyamorist. Many adults hear the word poly or that you don’t identify as a monogamous person and instantly pull out the polygamist card. Not only does this show their lack of understanding about anything outside of monogamy but it also instantly flashes a red light that you’re in for a potentially judgmental ride. Non-Monogamy is a big wide colorful umbrella that covers any intimate, romantic, or purely sexual relationship involving more than two people regardless of sex or gender, or an individual engaging in any of these with more than one person. From the polygamist in Utah with multiple wives, the cheating wife or husband next door, the person who likes to date around and lie and play games, to the couple who likes to occasionally “swing”, Throuples, “kitchen table poly”, and those who marry or partner up lifelong with multiple people, anything outside of the monogamous relationship norm is “non-monogamous”. But there is still a bit to clarify here, I wonder why there is so much confusion!
There are a million and one ways to practice non-monogamy, chances are you have been involved with something that could be labeled as such (have you ever flirted with or wanted to sleep with someone outside of your relationship? Or done so?). Don’t worry, these behaviors and feelings are totally normal. Desiring various attentions from people and finding comfort in others is a very human (animal) thing to do and one that evolutionary anthropologists and psychologists have been clued into for a long time as part of how we evolved (Ryan & Jethá, 2011). Our biology screams at us to procreate, and society and the industrial revolution forced us into nice neat monogamous packages when the breadth of our existence we did nonesuch thing. Ever wonder why divorce rates are so high? It doesn’t mean you failed as a partner, it just means monogamy, for many, is a bubble waiting to be popped.
Beyond all of the many types and ways to be non-monogamous, as seen above, there are two very important elements here that can keep you nice and dry. Is the non-monogamy ethical, and consensual? Are all individuals involved fully in the know of the boundaries and expectations, and, do they fully consent? Here is the dividing line between Polyamory and Polygamy. A polyamorous person of any sex and gender could have many partners, but those partners have their own free will to date, marry, and do as they please within the boundaries they create together. A polygamist is always a man whose multiple wives are explicitly excluded from any relationship other than the one with him. The wives do have a form of consent but the removal of their free will in relationships with others is not ethical. Consent in this case is a very grey area as polygamy is a cultural and religious element for them and riddled with indoctrination, but for our purposes and to not open another massive can of worms, we will leave it at that.
Let’s take another example here to showcase ethics and consent and how prevalent non-monogamy truly is. Here is a person we all know, they are not ready to settle down and is just wanting to enjoy their 20s, party, and have lots of untethered and fun sex. In order to do so, they feel they have to play the monogamy model game and when confronted with potential partners, put on an element of interest beyond just sex. They then get caught sleeping with multiple people and drama and pain ensue. They may have gotten to have sex with multiple people but boy did they cause a lot of grief for themselves and others. Ethics and consent were nonexistent here but they were practicing non-monogamy. Zero ethics, zero consent.
On the other side, this person could have been very upfront with their desires for no emotional input and just wanting sex and they could have ethically enjoyed many partners with them fully consenting and being able to choose healthy safe sex practices. Ethical and consensual and with no grief or getting hurt, this would be considered the practice of consensual non-monogamy(CNM). Later in life, this person may decide to become emotionally invested in more than one person and take these practices and ethics further into having multiple loving and consensual relationships and practicing polyamory. Great ethics, great consent.
So why do you think so many people choose to lie and cheat over being open and honest? Society at large still says anything outside of the monogamy bubble is not ok. Polyamory is still very heavily stigmatized and misunderstood and many stay in the dark with friends and family for fear of abandonment and often for fear of appearing as a threat to other marital friendships. Did you know the difference between polyamory and polygamy? It’s a big one right? The prevalence of CNM and specifically polyamory is growing exponentially in the U.S. There is a good chance one of your friends is at least interested in it but may be too afraid to speak openly about it for fear of being shamed or hurting friendships. Opening up dialogues with friends and family is a great way to understand yourself and them better, you never know who they truly are and how it could benefit your relationships, but treading lightly is always a safe bet.
Open conversation with your partner about your feelings can be bonding and even strengthen your relationship, and you never know how they may be feeling too. Motivations to engaging in polyamory have been studied and show many potential benefits to individuals such as more need fulfillment, sexual diversity, self-exploration, and deeper connection in partnerships. (Hnatkovičová & Bianchi, 2022). Compersion, or the feelings of happiness and enjoyment at the sexual and/or emotional pleasure and happiness of your partner, is also often felt more often and strongly by those called to polyamory. Here is some more food for thought, I’m a polyamorist but I don’t practice right now and I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for nearly 5 years. Are you no longer a monogamous person if you’re not in a relationship? A strong basis of my relationship is the understanding that we communicate and understand our basic biology and that we are human animals, we evolve and are constantly growing and changing as individuals. There is an emphasis on the word “practice” here and for good reason. The fundamentals of a good and healthy relationship are the same no matter how many people are involved.
Relationships of any kind can be hard work and when lust and the “new relationship energy” die down and your eyes, genitals, and sometimes hearts begin to look elsewhere, remind yourself, you are normal, it doesn’t mean you love your partner less, and monogamy is not the only way. Even just open communication and understanding of outside desires can be beneficial, even if you never choose to pursue anything under the non-monogamy umbrella. There is also a good chance, if you have an honest inspection of your feelings, there is a part of you who may resonate with these ideas. Just know that should you choose to, consent and ethics with everyone involved is the only way to not get drenched.
References:
Hnatkovičová., & D, Bianchi, G. (2022). Model of motivations for engaging in polyamorous relationships. Sexologies, 31 (3), 184-194. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sexol.2022.03.003. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S115813602200024X)
Ryan, C. & Jethá, C. (2011). Sex at dawn: the prehistoric origins of modern sexuality. Melbourne: Scribe