Come hither! Come hither! All of you! It is time.

You are all old and mature enough to know the truth now. I have known you all since you were little seedlings, and it warms my heart to see you have all grown strong and tall and planted your roots firmly into the earth. All the while I have been withering away in my old age, and I sense that my time is approaching. It pains me to have to leave you all behind, but you are in good hands. He will take good care of you.

Amenities aside, let’s discuss what I called you over here for: the prophecy. I am quite sure that most of you have already heard little snippets here and there, but none of you know the full story. This is no accident. We were trying to protect you. Some of you may still believe the world to be an eternal safe haven for our kind. I sincerely hope that you are not so naive. This world is no paradise, and it sure as hell won’t last forever.

So maybe you have heard about the bean man. Maybe when your mummy tucked you under the covers one night and she was cross that you had played with her fine china dishes, or you refused to brush your teeth, she told you the story of the bean man to scare you straight. But that’s not a real story, you say. Even I know that it was made up to scare children, you say. Well, you aren’t completely wrong. The bean man doesn’t follow the bad children around at night to smell their breaths for toothpaste, but he is real. And he is much scarier than you could possibly imagine.

Perhaps you learned long ago that there was no god. You wanted to believe in a righteous world governed by a benevolent all-powerful entity, but maybe you realized this was not necessarily the case. Some of you possibly still do, optimistically hoping they will appear one day to answer your prayers. Perhaps you are right, no one knows for sure, but what I know for sure is that the bean man is real. The bean man would be the antithesis to a benevolent god. If god were to create, the bean man would destroy. If god were to forgive, the bean man would punish. And if god were to sow, the bean man would cull.

Here. Pass this picture around. I found it in an ancient temple long ago.

No one knows when the bean man will arrive, but I sense his coming. Visions have come to me in my dreams, warning me of the inevitable end as well as my own death, which will soon be realized. This world will soon be consumed by fire. Sure, you may escape to other worlds, but eventually you will run out of worlds to run to. My ancestors thought escaping to this planet would nullify the prophecy, but as you can see, we are at the end of the line again. The bean man seeks to plunge the entire universe into fire. And one day, the flames will fade, and only darkness will remain.

Run, my children. See you on the other side.

Pitch black.

Dead Silent.

In a cosmos without stars, in a space without light, the salad floated on.

In a realm without warmth, in a universe without light, the salad floated on.

The salad was the only object in this cold, miserable place. However, this was no ordinary salad.

The salad is said to be the beginning and end of all things. Of course I am talking about the primordial salad, all-father of existence.

Yes, indeed. You and I are all from the same salad. And by its virtue, we will be reunited someday. But I digress.

Balance, as I have told you before, is the law of all things. It is the only trustworthy axiom that you should learn. There must be balance to everything. That’s why, for every good thing the salad has spawned, an equally evil thing must also spawn with it.

The Bean man.

You may have heard this tale from your mother as she tucked you under your covers to prevent you from misbehaving, but this is far from a mere bedtime story. You see, when the beesechurger was created, the universe collectively rejoiced, as this was the greatest and most powerful to come into existence thus far. Every civilization that existed at the time was said to have advanced at least 2000 years in less than 10 hours thanks to the beesechurger. It was a golden age of science and technology, and advances akin to miracles were ubiquitous and as common as grass. It was quite literally a gift from the gods.

However, this celebration was cut short.

A shadow was cast over the lands, and a bone-chilling wind swept through the universe. We all looked up in amazement, and dropped our jaws in sheer horror.

You see, we had taken the beesechurger for granted. We all got fat and lazy thanks to its boundless benefits, and forgotten about the balance. Perhaps we all saw it coming, but we just wanted the golden age to last longer. None of us wanted the balance to come this soon.

I hope you recall me saying the beesechurger was the greatest thing that ever existed? Well, the bean man was its antithesis. I can’t say when it truly began unleashing hell unto the universe, but it ravaged everything. It was an all-powerful malevolent entity that wanted nothing but for all the good things to die.

There was no mercy.

There was no quarter.

Some ran home to their families and embraced them for the last time.

Some tried to hide from it.

Some even made the laughable choice of trying to escape.

There was nothing left. Only bean man.

He would ruin any salad he came into contact with.

Here. Take a look. There’s a picture of the bean man in here.

The bean man was supposedly reabsorbed by the salad after becoming too powerful, but still others believe the bean man is still in existence. It has fallen into a deep slumber, and can be awoken any minute. Still others believe that the bean man will usurp the salad and become the supreme, plunging reality into a darkness that will never be lifted again.

What? Don’t be scared, my child. These are just tales from another time. See, it’s been this long, and I don’t see any bean man around. Get some sleep. You’ve got a long day ahead of you. May God Emperor Cruz watch over thee.

This is not a blog post. I’m just surprised when my salad is there. I have been sitting in my village for 30 minutes, but my salad did not get here right now. I do not understand! For the planning of three modes of Fashion, I expect the salary to be present now, very thankful. I’m giving this restaurant 1 star out of 5. The service was dangerous, and even if I returned my money back, I would not go back two minutes to the dining room. I urge anyone who read this to visit this place. I wonder if my salad. I sat in my Lodge for 30 minutes, but my salad is not here yet. I do not understand! If you expect my strawberry to be good, it’s very good. I give this record, but I have a shameful disgrace in the restaurant. I am begging all those who read to visit the place.

Just kidding.

There is no salad.

If you believed that the salad was a real entity, then you are mistaken, and unbelievably lost. If you thought there would be a real salad here, then you do not grasp the fundamental knowledge to understand what the salad truly means.

You see, the salad is a belief system. It is something to strive towards. The salad represents the highest point of existence, the pinnacle of human achievement. It is physically impossible for us to reach the salad, but we must do our best to try. The salad is like an asymptote, an axis on some eternal graph we can never reach. If you think you can get the salad simply by pouting and demanding it, then you must rethink your ways.

The thing is, I was once exactly like you. I went to the restaurant, entitled and spoiled, demanding my food from the providers like a greedy child. I did not realize my mistake. By demanding the salad, you are pushing yourself further away from it.

Ha! I was just tugging your string. Here’s a salad. Look how tempting it is. Don’t you just want to take a bite out of it? Go ahead. I made it myself. Look at the colours of the vegetables. Not one of your senses can refuse to be drawn towards this delicious salad. Go on. Succumb to this salad. Give in to your urges. Touch the salad. No one is stopping you. You have all the time in the world. Nothing in the universe is standing between you and this salad.

Touch it. It is yours to keep. No strings attached.

Go ahead. Is something wrong? Do you not want the salad? Time is running out!

Bing Bong Bon. Your salad is gone.

I guess you failed in your mission to acquire the salad. We’ll get’em next time. This man seems pretty nice. Maybe if you ask him politely he will share some of his salad with you.

Oh no. It seems like he has disposed of the salad. I guess you will never acquire it now. Don’t be sad. Look! He is offering you an apple.

You know what they say: an apple a day reduces the risk of cancer, hypertension, diabetes, and heart disease!

Hi everybody and happy Wednesday! Welcome back to my blog! Today I will be telling a you all a fascinating story that happened on the farm this week. One of the mammals on my mammal farm has propelled itself to some nearby location away from its original location! This has happened before, so me and my C O M P A T R I O T S had to go and retrieve this small rascal. Here begins the enthralling story.

So, it was a normal day at the ranch, just planting the cement seeds, when suddenly I heard a ONOMATOPOEIA! from behind my residence. “Geoffrey Williamkers!” I thought, as I tumbled to the source of the aural disturbance. That’s when I saw one of the mammals sprinting across the plant-covered surface.  Oh no moses! I thought. That’s 🐷! Not again!

You see, 🐷 is the rowdiest lifeform we have in this area. It is only seven inches old, so quite a young specimen. And we all know what that means: 🐷 is a rowdy little fella! Here’s a photorepresentation of 🐷 for reference:

Isn’t he a cutie?!

Anyways, we get onto our hovercrafts and begin to chase him down. The chase goes on for about 12 moons, and we finally catch him. But wait! What’s that in the distance? I say “Bejeesus meekmillikers!” as a stare at what was possibly the most delightful and hilarious things I had ever seen.

He had found a friend! A wild mammal that he went outside of the farm to see. I was mad at him for breaking the forcefield around the pasture but also delighted that he had found another lifeform to play with. This one’s name was John Wayne, and apparently he had graduated from a place called Harvard Law School some time ago. So, we all gathered on the back of the vehicle and began the long drive back to the house.

But then, something else happened. I hadn’t expected this day to get any crazier than it already was, but it did! My perceptions of reality were completely shattered! My jaw was dropped in awe as I processed the marvelous sight before me.

Here is what I saw:

There was a whole family of them! I was completely amazed! These things are quite rare in the wild, and not once in a blue moon did I think I was going to see a whole pod. I guess dreams do come true. They were all so beautiful. We had a nice conversation on the way back as well! Apparently this lot were coming from some place called SACRAMENTO, and had gotten lost on the way to the airport. Hopefully, they find their way back, but only after they have had dinner at my home!

I cooked everyone a delicious creme bulee and we all enjoyed the rest of the evening sitting on the porch and looking at the stars. This was truly an unforgettable experience and I will cherish this memory forever.

Well, thanks for tuning in to my blog this week! Hopefully you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! See you next!