Lady Gaga entered NRG Stadium from the open roof. Credit Gregory Shamus/Getty Images
As I sit here with my father, his wife, my sister my cousin and his friend watching the halftime show, my cousin and father tell the group that they don’t see why she was chosen for this performance. They agree that she doesn’t “do anything form them.”
Knowing that my father is uncomfortable with anything that has to do with LGBTQ+ people or their allies/icons I raise my eyebrow, ready to jump into conversation defending the community. My cousin tells us that he doesn’t know any of “these” songs and he things that performers like James Brown or New Kids On the Block should be performing right now.
After just having read the course notes, I remember that one part of missing information has to do with decoding error. I take a step back and think about how I am interpreting the information that was just presented to me. I am looking at a black male in his mid 30’s who, I think just said something negative about Lady Gaga, an artist that I respect and that I believe has done a great deal in normalizing the LGBTQ+ community. I wanted to jump to defend her, I wanted him to know that he was being a bigot.
While I was in my short state of reflection, I thought about our different interests and so, I simply asked him “you don’t listen to this type of music, do you?” he responded with “no, not really.” There seemed no judgment in his voice. I knew that in this moment, I judged him based on my egocentric communication. I was so overconfident in my communication style that I didn’t take into account that others communicate differently based on diversity and cultural experiences. He wasn’t telling me that Lady Gaga and the LGBTQ+ community was somehow inferior.
I think that if it weren’t for having read the reading notes for this week, the conversation would have gone into a very different direction that may have blown something simple and non-confrontational into an argument that would not have gone anywhere.
So, how do we prevent this from happening again, how do I remember to take a step back when I am at work talking with a colleague that I disagree with, or reading an email that may come across as harsh or when I am drafting an email to a group of people that I don’t know?
Gabriel,
I love the raw emotions you shared as the halftime event and subsequent conversation that unfolded. When I feel something emotionally, it makes it even harder to keep calm, cool and collected which you appear to have done. Are you familiar with the work of Steven Covey, the famed author of “7 Habits of Highly Successful People?
The question you pose of “how do I remember to take a step back”, reminded me of one of his principals; Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Covey goes on to explain; “Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating.”
I try to tap into this thought as often as possible but admittedly, it is tough. Particularly when you hear something so counterintuitive to your own thinking.
I’m not a fan of Lady Gaga, nor dislike her work. I do think the halftime show was terrific, entertaining and a great show! That was no easy performance to create, choreograph and execute within 15 minutes. At the very least, anyone should be able to respect that.
Cheers!
Doug
https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits.php
Gabriel,
I love the raw emotions you shared as the halftime event and subsequent conversation unfolded. when you feel something emotionally, it makes it even harder to keep calm, cool and collected which you appear to have done. Are you familiar with the work of Steven Covey, the famed author of “7 Habits of Highly Successful People?
The question you pose of “how do I remember to take a step back”…, Your post reminded me of one of his principals; Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Covey goes on to explain; “Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating.”
I try to tap into this thought as often as possible but admittedly, it is tough. Particularly when you hear something so counterintuitive to your own thinking.
I’m not a fan of Lady Gaga, nor dislike her work. I do think the halftime show was terrific, entertaining and a great show! That was no easy performance to create, choreograph and execute within 15 minutes. At the very least, anyone should be able to respect that.
Cheers!
Doug
https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits.php
Hello Gabriel,
I enjoyed your post. It ties into what I posted on quite well. I gleaned on the subject of active listening. In your example you showed that you were listening to what your family and friends had to say and not just hearing what they were saying. It seemed as you realized they all did not have the same life experiences as you did therefor their comments came from a place of less incite than you may have had on the subject. I have seen people who are not as traveled as others may be and their comments sometimes come out as one sided or could be construed a little rude at times but if others would take the time to realize that sometimes (not all the time) our ignorance is not without reason and is not deliberate.
Gabriel,
I have to say, reading your post, Im impressed with your honesty and your humility. I’ve had the same problem with jumping to conclusions for years. Honestly, I think the best remedy is that while in conversation, it’s important to give acknowledgement to humanity, ours and our audience. We have no idea what their background is or what has been the catalyst for their views. It’s crucial in communication to listen as much if not more than we speak. As I posted before, let “Bob” rest.