A large figure grumbles incessantly in the early-morning fog.

“Thinks he’s funny, doesn’t he? Sending me plants and vines and green stuff…for the love of Hades why does he send me living stuff?! He knows I prefer stuff that’s, well, DEAD. Vines and leaves and grapes…gods…

I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS, DIONYSUS!

Not like he’ll care, he’ll just shrug it off as usual. Why does my family think it’s FUNNY to send ME these kinds of ‘presents;? Hmph, I’ll show them…” The man laughs evilly, until a rough cough wracks his body and forces him to stop.

“Pfft, the Lord of the Dead doesn’t need sunshine, or nature, or ‘fresh air’ to be happy and healthy. I’ve got plenty of wide-open space here!” He scoffs at each item, and then gestures to the endless extent of his ‘kingdom.’ “Just because I’ve spent the past few millennia underground means nothing! Nothing at all! Don’t let Dionysus or…her…tell you anything different.” (My mother-in-law and I definitely don’t see eye-to-eye on my outdoor excursions. Probably because she the ‘goddess of agriculture and nature’ or something like that. He sticks his tongue out at the mention of Demeter.)

I do get around, you know. Why, just yesterday, I was overlooking the Fields of Punishment! Persephone would be so proud of me to know that I actually left the palace walls for a change. (She thinks I need to get out of the palace more, something about it affecting my temper. Temper? Ha!) The fields were full, as usual. Which is nice. Who doesn’t love a good tortured dead soul or two? Especially when they are sent to the fields for eternity. HAHAHAHA.

I have quite the expansive kingdom, OBVIOUSLY. I’m the Lord of the Dead for gods’ sake! Gotta fit those millions of pathetic (I mean tragic, of course) souls somewhere. Over there is the dock where Charon brings the new victims…I mean, poor, poor souls who have passed on. Then you see Cerebus watching guard, each head scarier than the next. Did you know his weakness is a red rubber ball? You just mention his ball and he loses focus and souls can…actually, forget I said anything. YOU HEARD NOTHING!” He shoots to a height of fifty feet, flames shooting out of his eyes. Just as quickly as he exploded, however, he shrinks back to size. He acts as if nothing has happened.

“So after passing Cerebus, the dead move on to their judgment. See the super long line? So many dead to process, so little time. IF a departed soul wishes, he or she can skip judgment and go straight to the Fields of Asphodel, where they roam around with no purpose for eternity. But if they face judgment, their fate is up to the judges. If they deem so, the judges may reward a soul with eternity in Elysium, an area reserved only for good-hearted, worthy souls. Elysium throws some pretty fun parties, I must say. HOWEVER, if the judges deem that a soul lived a treacherous, wrongful life, then they will sentence the soul to eternity in the FIELDS OF PUNISHMENT. He laughs maniacally again. “I love it there, definitely my favorite place to visit. When the mood suits me to leave my palace, of course.”

Hades turns towards his palace, an impressive structure stretching longer and taller than Mount Olympus. Instead of its usual black obsidian walls, though, the structure is covered entirely in grape vines. Hades starts to grow again, fire spitting out of his eyes, ears, and mouth. He picks up boulder after boulder from the ground and crushes each one to dust as he rushes towards his home, then turns away at the last minute

DIONYSUS!!!!!!”