Theodore Pembrooke, a 25-year-old accountant from Brooklyn, N.Y., just completed the inevitable. Pembrooke, a self described “man of many cultures” finished his collection just moments ago, trapping the unique backgrounds of each of his friends’ race in his custom-made, Vineyard-Vines-branded Infinity Gauntlet.
“I have finally done it. No mortal can accuse me of racism for a moment longer,” said Pembrooke as he floated ten feet off the ground. “Though my limited life experiences have subjected me to the accusation of not experiencing systemic racism, I have fully absorbed and conjured the trauma of my peers’ identities, turning it into enough vitriolic self-pity so that I may play the race card as well!”
Pembrooke, of Greek descent, does not consider himself White because he is actually “Mediterranean” and should be designated as such.
He continues, “No, I am much much MUCH more. More than any of you can ever be! I am black. I am Latino. I AM ASIAN!” His eyes begin glowing the color of nebulae churning in the black expanse of space.
When pressed for further comment, specifically on what ethnicity from Asia he is, the mortal turned demigod responded, “I don’t know, there are like a billion of them. How am I supposed to know which one?”
The reign of terror Pembrooke seeks to unleash will decimate the world’s will and its tolerance for bullshit. All else will pale in comparison to the sheer caucacity of action we as a society and species are about to endure.
Pembrooke has already made a list that includes such acts as the following: declaring the Washington Redskins absolved of their rhetoric, merging the philosophical traditions of Buddhism and integrating them in the ‘proper Christian dogma,’ and, most horrifically, weighing in on anything related to Joe Biden.
Raising his right arm, Pembrooke looks me in the eye and chants, his voice echoing across dimensions, across space and time. “My paper-thin worldview is enough! I NEED NOT QUESTION THE FRAGILE ECOSYSTEM I WAS BRED IN. I IGNORE THAT IN WHICH I COULD LITERALLY TRY TO EMPATHIZE ON ANY LEVEL WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS.”
