FUCK CITY, USA, Ore. — Nobody likes it when things are boring, right? That’s right. But do you know what everybody likes? Yeah, that’s right. Fucking. The aldermen of the Oregon town formerly known as Boring have taken this truism to heart and have officially changed the name of their once dull little burgh to Fuck City, USA. Very cool.
“We just wanted to get away from the whole ‘Boring’ thing, y’know?” explained mayor Carl Peters to Phollegian reporters.
“Don’t get me wrong here, the name was pretty funny, got us a couple of tourist bucks, but after awhile it just becomes grating to keep hearing the same joke over and over again whenever someone asks you where you’re from.”
“So we got together and said, ‘OK, what’s the furthest thing away from ‘Boring’? Lots of ideas were getting thrown out at town meetings. ‘Exciting’ was one of the early suggestions, but that was thrown out as too obvious. ‘Discotown’ was one idea that got a lot of attention. There was also ‘Rock-n-Roll-opolis,’ that one almost won before someone brought up that it might bring in the beatniks. ‘Mafia-Gangsterville’ — that one was mine. But in the end, we all agreed: there was just no beating Fuck City, USA.”
Fuck City, USA has already made great progress in changing most of the signs and coming out with material for the hordes of tourists sure to descend on the small town of 7,000 when the season rolls around. Most of the city’s economy, which is currently geared towards smallholding agriculture, is expected to pivot towards nightclubs, trendy burger joints, and internet cafes — “Cool shit,” explained Mayor Peters.
We here at Phroth salute Fuck City, USA. Out with the old, in with the new, that’s our motto. Let this be an example to all of us that it’s never too late to re-invent yourself — all it takes is a strong sense of community, a whole heck of a lot of gumption, and doing sex.
