By Nikhil Nayyar

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – In a public announcement, the Pennsylvania State University set forth a revolutionary new method to keep Greek Life in check: numbers on a piece of paper.

Of course, for a group of students whose mean GPA is .4 points lower than that of the average Penn Stater, another report card is, of course, the natural choice for enacting radical, systematic change in the school.

Smithers J. Humphrey, Assistant Vice Dean to the Office of Student Health, notes, “It has been shown time and time again how truly vile the Greek system is. It has been commented on that frats and sororities are often extremely racist and classist. It has even been shown in studies that members of fraternities are three times more likely to commit rape than other college men and that women in sororities are 70% more likely to experience a rape. Rather than an institutional overhaul of this semi-autonomous community, we figured a stern warning was the best we could do to stop this bad action in its tracks…at least without disrupting the steady flow of donations from Greek alumni.”

This announcement occurred after a student was literally murdered on the college campus. Penn State took the most direct form of action they could think of in response to the tragedy: they opened up a Greek life research institute posthumously named for the victim. To reiterate, this is the most direct form of action. The Most Direct. It’s amazing how good this sounds printed in the media. Almost too good.

The fraternity that committed the action is suspended. Not banned, though, in case they need to be reinstated to save the school from aliens or something.

Yet, in the face of literal violence, there is always hope that a bad grade will be the voice of reason. What’s one red F in a pool of blood?

Penn State has invited nearly 400 other colleges and universities to participate in this ticketing scheme and are proud to announce that, even with a conservative estimate, a solid 14% have agreed to gently and carefully admonish the community.

“If that isn’t progress, than what is?” questions Professor of Statistics Dr. Barnabas Fiddledud. “And I want to clarify, that in the strictest mathematical definition of the word, it is technically progress. That said, this will result in extremely little to no practical progress, as, say, banning Greek life would elicit.”

Oh, but truly in this harsh, harsh world, it is amazing how little control we have over such a lamentable tragedy. One may think that nothing could have been done to prevent the deed from occurring. Nothing. Absolutely no action, such as, say, banning Greek life, could have prevented this sorrowful loss of innocent life. That is, nothing until now. With the full weight of the letter grade system, Greek life will be held accountable for the first time!

Let us hope that they don’t figure out how to Chegg the answers to a passing grade this time.