By Ryan Hatfield and Dan Hofman
The following is a leaked list of new names under consideration by the Washington Football Team, submitted by their publicist, Jessie Johnson, along with quotes explaining the rationale behind each name.
The Washingtons
We’re been sitting on a gold mine for years and haven’t been using it. George Washington, whom our city is named after, is the toughest guy from the American Revolution. We will likely save money in printing costs with this one.
The District of Columbia Redskins
It is unclear to me how much people were upset about the name “Redskins” as opposed to the fact that “Washington” is more ambiguous and informal than the preferred “District of Columbia.”
The Washington Football Players
This forward-looking name has the benefit that it appeals to the sensibilities of “the young” through its use of “millennial humor.” My understanding is that today’s children will appreciate the “absurd” name and will be tomorrow’s fans (and spenders).
The Washington Red-Handed
Maybe it is best to just give up the ghost and work an admission of guilt into the team name. After all, one thing I picked up from reading all those self-help books (which never seem to work as well as you’d hope) is that profusely apologizing can garner sympathy from those you’ve wronged.
The Maimed Washingtonians
People generally fear those who are wounded or injured because they most likely just came out of a bloody battle and who’s to say they won’t start another? For this team name, the ideal mascot would be a bleeding deer that just got hit by a car. Everyone knows to stay away from these dying deers because they’ve been through some shit, and now they’re tough.
The Washington Confederates
Some of you have expressed concern over this name. Think of it as a place-holder for maybe 10 years or so. Most teams change their names every couple of years anyways. My son, Drake, just had his high school change its team name last year (also Indian-related).
The Washington One-Dollar Bills
This one’s a bit of an obvious choice because we already get free publicity every time someone spends a one-dollar bill. Who can pass up the brand recognition of cold, hard cash?
The Washington Silicon Valley CEOs
While it may be confusing to have “Silicon Valley” in the name of a Washington team, it’s hard not to appreciate the chilling image of an insatiable tech executive violently wresting data from your arms.
The Washington Eagles
This is a power move. Let’s put the ball in Philadelphia’s court.
The Washington Fat Cats
There’s certain ideas about what the leaders in Washington D.C. are like. Let’s explore that and stop pretending to be something we’re not. Say it with me, “we’re fat cats!” Let’s have a name that’ll get news outlets talking for a change.
The Washington Jedi
As most of you know from our recent quarterly review, business has been down ever since Walt Disney has been making new episodes of Star Wars. Disney has offered to buy a huge stake in our team. We’re able to kill two birds with one stone with this name. Or should I say “two siths with one saber”?
The Washington Social Justice Warriors
OK, we have to admit that they’ve done most of the legwork getting us to change our name. Let’s “thank” them for it. Plus if we change our name to this, it could be a little “controversial” on both sides of the aisle. You all know the saying “Bad publicity is good publicity”. We’ll be the new team you love to hate. Big money signs in my eyes.
The Washington Ex-Boyfriends
This name easily lends itself to effective branding: “Your girlfriend still thinks about us. We won’t let you date her without a passive-aggressive catch-up chat that might just turn into a bar fight every time you’re passing through D.C. There’s a reason she broke up with us, you know.”
The Washington Red Skis
Skis that are red-colored are perfectly inoffensive and benign while still hinting at the team’s former name to those who are observant. This name is sure to please both sides!
The Washington Sociopaths
The one inkling of hope a football player has to alleviate his fear upon entering the stadium is the humanity of his opponent. There is always a certain base level of mutual understanding among “continent” minds. Let’s try to eliminate this trifling annoyance.
The District Daddios
Everybody knows American football players are already the toughest men on the planet. Maybe we could emphasize with this name they’re more than that. Slick-talking, fun, cool dudes. That’s a team I want to root for. My wife really loves this name.