By Nikhil Nayyar

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – Wait, this guy is sad? Really? Yeah, no fucking shit. Why is this even news? Who the hell approved this story to be printed?

You want to know how I know he’s sad, because he’s a fucking English major. What does he do? Read Shakespeare? EVERY ONE OF HIS PLAYS ENDS WITH EVERY CHARACTER DYING! EVEN THE COMEDIES! Oh shit, is he crying? Jesus, kid, go read a sonnet or something.

Listen, this guy literally reads books where terrible things happen to people and you expect him to be ‘well-adjusted’ and ‘normal’? There are only so many ways of describing someone crying before the reader begins to cry himself and even then it is only in a shallow attempt to empathize with a character that has no physical psychology.

Let’s also not ignore the fact that this dude spends more time reading about fictional characters and their motives than he does interacting with other human beings. Oh, he is studying the human condition? Then explain to me why he gets so nervous every time he tries to order an Iced Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks out of the fear that they won’t like him.

Seriously, go write a poem or some edgy story about the immutable nature of the human spirit or some shit. It’s done already? Good, tuck it into your hardback copy of “Infinite Jest” and bury it in the bookshelf because you know you are never even going to read it.

God dammit I am sick of hearing about this shit. If any of you need me, I’m going to the Engineering library where at least the melancholy has the common decency to turn its victim into a shallow, but ever so silent, husk of a person.