Is Premarital Counseling Becoming a Necessity?
With the ever increasing rate of divorce among first, second, and even third marriages, the effort to “not become another statistic” is more widely-discussed than ever. As the honeymoon lens wears off and we see our new spouse in a new marital light, it is not uncommon for us to not find them as attractive a partner as originally thought. Among the options to help minimize this discomfort is premarital counseling. Premarital counseling is by no means a new phenomena, however, it is no longer only popular among those with devout religious beliefs or among those looking to get the blessing of their pastor or priest. Does it really work?
According to one study, premarital counseling that focuses on assessing each partners’ traits and behaviors before walking down the aisle may be extremely beneficial (Larson and Thomas, 1994). Taking the time to notice whether our intended spouse displays abnormally high anxiety or bouts of irritability that may be a precursor to further marital discontent is key to deciding whether to move forward with wedding plans (1994). This study sheds light on the importance of discussing each partner’s attitude toward their new marital role and their overall long-term commitment to the relationship (1994). Actually taking the time to get to know the partner in the context of marriage and not just a token toward a dream wedding is key to future marital bliss. After the guests go home and we look at our partner, are we disappointed in what we see?
Another study further emphasizes the benefits of premarital counseling for couples intent on walking down the aisle. Taking part in premarital counseling sees statistically significant increases in relationship satisfaction compared to couples who forego this option (Carlson, Daire, Munyon, and Young, 2012). This important counseling may not just benefit the couple, but each partner independently. Premarital counseling was also found to significantly decrease individual distress after the wedding among men (2012). These benefits along with the fact that participating in premarital counseling lowers divorce probability and relationship conflict while increasing relationship quality makes it a no-brainer (2012).
In a world that is more selfish than ever, it is important to make sure we are making life-altering decisions for the right reasons, not just because it will look great in a Facebook status update. A big, impressive wedding may be a terrific experience to plan and show off to friends and loved ones, but it is also necessary to do our due diligence to make sure the person we come home from the honeymoon with is someone we want to spend the rest of our vacations with. Otherwise, we run the risk of becoming “just another statistic”.
References:
Carlson, R., Daire, A., Munyon, M., and Young, M. (2012). A comparison of cohabiting and noncohabiting couples who participated in premarital counseling using the prepare model The Family Journal April 2012 20: 123-130, doi:10.1177/1066480712441588
Larson, J. H., & Holman, T. B. (1994). Premarital predictors of marital quality and stability. Family Relations, 43(2), 228. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/213936389?accountid=13158
Tags: relationships
As a newly married couple, my husband and I did attend premarital counseling. My preacher requires this to happen before you get married. At first, I thought that it was just a waste of my time because I was being stubborn. Now looking back at it, it has helped us more than we have thought. We were given packets that help couples when they are fighting and explain how you should think of yourself as a “we” not and “I.”
Sadly, divorce is a factor in many relationships. When deciding to marry, most people do not believe that they will get a divorce. In my opinion, premarital counseling should be required for all couples. Although no one hopes to fall in the statistic, the reality is that it could happen. This counseling could help couples be aware of what could happen and give them the resources to have a stronger relationship.
Few are thinking that they will become part of a statistic on their wedding day. Yet, many do become a statistic. It is sad affair. Premarital counseling can be beneficial as the studies you provided have indicated. My wife and I have been married for ten years. We participated in premarital counseling. Looking back, the process was particularly helpful to grasp the “big picture” and not just focus on the wedding day. It was explained to us that the journey would have bumps, but in the end we would have each other to overcome those bumps. It was a comforting thought. We also learned about the importance of a communal relationship. This is to say, the primary concern in the relationship is to be responsive to the other person’s needs. The outcome is that both parties will have their individual needs met. This brings satisfaction to the relationship. I can attest that this is true. Lastly, we learned that we ought to be actively trying to improve the relationship. This meant being rooted in honesty, discussing problems, trying to change, and remaining loyal to the relationship.
According to divorcestatistics.org the divorce rate in America is 45-50% for first marriages, 60-67% for second marriages, and 70-73% for third marriages. With almost half of first time marriages not surviving in the US, and marriage being the basic unit of family, it is important to take a look at what principles are vital to a lasting and satisfying relationship. While each relationship is unique and there are many factors involved in each relationship’s survival, there are key character elements that can be examined. The article, The unique and combined benefits of accuracy and positive bias in relationships, demonstrates how important both honesty (accuracy) and satisfaction (positive bias) are to the survival of a relationship. (Lackenbauer, Campbell, Rubin, Fletcher, G. J. O., Troister, 2010) The highest estimate of a relationship’s survival by the participants correlated directly with receiving both accurate and positive bias feedback from their partner. The enigma of altruistic lying: Perspective differences in what motivates and justifies lie telling within romantic relationships, also demonstrates how damaging lie telling is to relationships. (Kaplar & Gordon, 2004) The results from Kaplar and Gordon’s study demonstrate that the perception of motive for telling lies is much more negative for the receiver than for the lie teller, which consequently leads to a negative impact on the relationship. These findings reflect the impact of honesty in relationship longevity and satisfaction. Honesty is perhaps one of the main determining factors in the survival of a relationship. Dishonesty may be the precursor of dissatisfaction leading to divorce and becoming another statistic.
References
Kaplar, M. E., & Gordon, A. K. (2004). The enigma of altruistic lying: Perspective differences in what motivates and justifies lie telling within romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 11(4), 489-507.
Lackenbauer, S. D., Campbell, L., Rubin, H., Fletcher, G. J. O., & Troister, T. (2010). The unique and combined benefits of accuracy and positive bias in relationships. Personal Relationships, 17(3), 475-493.