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07
Nov 19

How Long Love Lasts?

How long do you think love lives? One French writer called his novel, “Love Lasts Three Years”, but Is it true?

Three years usually lasts a candy stage of relations; a period of passion and love. When the heart beats more often, the future is radiant, the lovers are concentrated on each other and much is forgiven to the partner; and it seems that it should always be so. But no. The enchanting extravaganza fades away, and somewhere in the depths a spark begins to flare up a true love; but after violent passions and vivid experiences can it be very difficult to feel it. True, mature love develops and is realized gradually; and for its disclosure, the internal development of a person is necessary. Immature people often do not discover this gift in themselves. It is the mental immaturity of partners that ultimately leads the union to cataclysms.

Broken boats of love

Psychologists know that almost a third of people suffer from problems in relationships, such as distrust, suspicion, addiction, betrayal. The art of love is almost forgotten. This is the ability to accept and appreciate and consider a partner as his property, without the conditions and expectations that these relationships are forever and ever. Even those who parted with their partner are usually given a chance to meet a new suitable person. That is, never was it about one single half. However, if people didn’t “grab” their life companions with a death grip, then there would be much fewer problems in relationships, partings. Moreover, women are especially afraid of changes in their personal lives.

How to get through some of the relationship’s problems:

  • Relationships in a pair – this is only a matter of two. No need to let outsiders into this space, even if they are relatives and friends. Especially if they perceive your partner negatively, and this even applies to children – tactfully, gently, but do not let the child stand between you, quarrel you.
  • Discuss all the problems that arise in the family: monetary, related to relatives, ex, friends, as well as your feelings and doubts, etc.
  • Try not to focus your attention on your partner’s annoying habits: eat on the go, don’t wash dishes, etc. Otherwise, the internal accumulating tension can one day explode, and starting from a trifle, turn into a grand scandal.
  • None of the partners should consider their desires more important than the needs of another. Suppression, domination destroy the family. Relationships require respect.
  • Show your feelings more often so that loved ones understand that you are dear. Try to avoid reproaches, claims, claims. Show your love right now – then it may be too late. And “turn off” criticism in yourself, thinking about a partner, you can always find something to complain about, only this destroys the relationship.

Crisis management

There are age crises of each partner when you want changes and novelty, family crises in changing circumstances (birth of a child, death of relatives, forced relocations, etc.) and crises of development of life together. At such moments, it is important to maintain the internal unity of the couple, respect and affection for each other. And do not succumb to erroneous, usually formed in childhood emotional reactions, such as: the habit of feeling sorry for oneself (usually accompanied by reproaches from others), the desire to take responsibility for malfunctions in relationships (based on guilt, for example, because of the fact that feelings have cooled), removal from a partner (due to fatigue, etc.). With the right approach, respect and appreciation, love will keep growing and you can be sure: will last very long.

 

References:

Durayappah-Harrison, A. (2011, February 3). Brain Study Reveals Secrets of Staying Madly in Love. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thriving101/201102/brain-study-reveals-secrets-staying-madly-in-love

Gregoire, C. (2014, December 24). The Psychology Of Loves That Last A Lifetime. HuffPost. Retrieved from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/psychology-of-lasting-love_n_5339457

Harra, A. (2014, September 27). 7 Ways to Save a Struggling Relationship. HuffPost. Retrieved from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/love-and-relationships_b_5624213?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAAxisiqyJcy3K-YMecXl181egMQUDKLNbvMcdXlcfZz8mJmcnLk5Pxtwxlbs5_MOSAerHZuyhBqut3aHDx2-GuPxHKy7rIhgQQplI6PpJ327CEQBu0EAglI-JiFIRFbKKgTF6ODyHfFtNk4TfZSZmWtv1SOiuVrij7QNKpl1vgHQ

Johnson, S. (2010, June 1). Can Love Last a Lifetime? Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hold-me-tight/201006/can-love-last-lifetime

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02
Apr 19

True Love

Love is fundamental human need; so, with the rise of the internet came the rise of dating services. Heard of Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, OK cupid? Most likely, even if you have never used a dating app, you have at least heard of one, if not all, of these apps. According to the Pew Research Center, 27% of 18- to 24-year-olds use online dating services (Pew Research Center, 2016). Online dating is actually the second most popular way to meet a partner, which makes sense when you really think about it (Anderson, 2016). We are a society of smartphone users and we do love our apps. It is also easier, and less time-consuming, to swipe through some pictures on an app every-so-often than it is to go out to a social event and meet new people (Anderson, 2016). However, as with anything on the internet, there are some serious flaws with online dating.

The most common issue with dating services is that the profiles you see are not necessarily accurate portrayals of the individuals who created them. According to a study by OpinionMatters, 20% of women post pictures of their younger selves in order to appear more desirable and 40 % of men lie about their financial situation in order to be more attractive to prospective partners (Anderson, 2016). As with social media, dating services provide an environment where you are encouraged to present your ideal self rather than your true self.

The other big issue is differences in intent. Many women go on dating apps in the hopes of finding a romantic partner. Many men, however, go on dating apps looking for someone to have sex with (Anderson, 2016). This is not to say that this is the case for all men or all women, but there is definitely a disconnect in the reasons for using a dating app.

There is also the fact that relationships started online last for shorter periods of time. Couples who meet online are 3 times as likely to divorce than those who met face to face and online daters are 28 % more likely to split from their partners within the first year (Knapton, 2015). As Ayesha Vardag, a divorce lawyer, puts it “there is a greediness involved in online dating” (Knapton, 2015). If you are discontent with a partner, why bother with them when you have an app full of other potential partners? Because there are so many choices, people are less willing to give a relationship the chance it needs to develop (Knapton, 2015). One reason that online dating is less successful, besides the large number of potential partners, is that we cannot rely on our biological cues in an online environment. In an evolutionary perspective, genetic compatibility is very important, so our bodies have evolved to subconsciously evaluate the suitability of our potential partners (Knapton, 2015). These biological triggers, which are very important in informing our choice of partner in the real world, are rendered useless in the online world, which makes us vulnerable to choosing a partner we might not actually connect with in the real world (Knapton, 2015).

While dating apps have increased in popularity in recent years, this does not mean that they are better than meeting someone face-to-face. In fact, the costs of online dating may very well outweigh the benefits. Finding a life-long partner is a serious undertaking, so we should be willing to put more effort into our search than just swiping left or right on someone’s picture. The ease and convenience of dating apps is alluring for sure, but is it worth it?

 

References:

Anderson, R. (2016, September 6). The Ugly Truth About Online Dating: Are We Sacrificing Love for Convenience. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mating-game/201609/the-ugly-truth-about-online-dating

Knapton, S. (2015, January 20). The Science of Dating: Why We Should Stop Dating Online. Retrieved from https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/03/15/the-science-of-dating-why-we-should-stop-dating-online/

Smith, A., Anderson, M. (2016, February 29). 5 Facts About Online Dating. Retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2016/02/29/5-facts-about-online-dating/

 

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08
Apr 17

Is Jealousy Healthy or Problematic in the Nature of Relationships?

         Allport (1985) conceptualizes social cognition as, “the process of thinking about ourselves and other people to understand and explain how the thoughts, feelings, and behavior of individuals are influenced by the actual, imagined, or implied presence of others.”  Interpersonal magnetism is fueled by a strong desire for tête-à-tête.  Anticipation of favorable experiences sparks excitement while enduring relations with your significant other.  All of a sudden, partner infidelity may come on as a surprise during your relationship.  In other words, deep feelings for your companion may stimulate a strong emotional response that many of us are familiar with.  Jealousy can be experienced at different intensities depending on the situation.  In fact, desirous feelings could promote relationship quality.  For instance, one of the partners may respond to jealousy as being a direct threat to the relationship in which they value their relationship enough to protect it.  Except that is not always the case in most relationships affected by jealous emotions.  Many similar instances are influenced by misunderstanding a situation or failing to emphasize the importance of communication between partners.

        Most relationships experience three distinct types of jealousy including – reactive, anxious, and possessive (Pfeiffer & Wong, 2007).   These forms are distinguished between whether they reside with emotional, cognitive, or behavioral attributions.  John Wiley (2007) explored relations between different types of jealousy, as well as self and partner perceptions of relationship quality.  He defined Reactive Jealousy as, “the degree to which individuals experience negative emotions, such as anger and upset, when their mate is or has been emotionally or sexually unfaithful (Wiley, J., 2007).”  Furthermore, Anxious Jealousy is when a partner creates false perceptions and images in their head in which they begin feeling distrustful or worried.  Finally, Possessive Jealousy involves an individual taking excessive measures in order to prevent their partner from socializing with anyone of the opposite sex, and forbidding them to socialize with others.  According to Buunk’s typology, reactive jealousy relies on emotional  aspects, anxious jealousy consists of cognitive elements, and possessive jealousy is attributed to behavioral components (Buunk & Dijkstra, 2006).  Relatively, Andersen et al. (1995) discovered that cognitive jealousy negatively impacts relational satisfaction.  Whereas, Pfeiffer and Wong (1989) specified emotional jealousy to be positively associated to love.  Determining relationship quality should always take into consideration both partners’ feelings toward how they feel, and how their partner feels, engaging in their interpersonal connection.

          Relationship quality is determined by interaction between two partners.  Communication between each other is a key component for maintaining an open and sound relationship.  Many people are too invested in wanting to just express how they perceive a situation, and will disregard how their partner feels.  In a relationship, one of the best things I have learned is that there are always three sides to a story – their side, your side, and the real side.  Also, do not try to discuss a tense topic unless you are both rational enough to respectfully listen to each other.  Relatively, jealousy affects the content of the communication (what they communicate), as well as the type of communication they engage in (how they communicate) (Wiley, J., 2007).

         High levels of intimacy and affection is associated with how well you and your partner respects the others’ feelings, understand each other, refrain from negative sources of jealousy, and be a companion to your significant other.  Do not try to compete or evoke feelings of jealousy in your partner to cover your own insecurities.  Take into account that you are your partner are a team and are in this together.  If you both want to keep your commitment, then refrain from problematic experiences, and rather enhance your relationship quality.

        Do you ever experience jealousy in your relationship?  What are some ways that you strive to improve the quality of your relationship?  If you are not in a relationship, what are some things you would want to try for relationship satisfaction?

Thanks for reading!

Barelds, D. P. H., Barelds-Dijkstra, P. (2007). Relations between different types of jealousy and self and partner perceptions of relationship quality. Clinical Psychology and Psychopharmacology. Retrieved April 8, 2017 from

http://rebeccajorgensen.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/25353937Types-of-Jealousy-and-Relationship-Quality.pdf

Lesson 12 Commentary (n.d.). Relationships/Everyday Life. Retrieved April 8, 2017 fromhttps://psu.instructure.com/courses/1834710/modules/items/21736698

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15
Nov 15

50/50

Attachment changes over time. When we are first born, we become attached to our parents and the people who are around us. This is a healthy attachment, because it helps us adapt to people and learn skills (some good ones, some not so good). As we grow older, what we need from people changes. Once we develop sexual attraction, we look for healthy attachments to other people. What we learned growing up from our parent’s and friends is what helps us develop romantic and sexual attachments with others.

 

What matters when it comes to relationships? According to our text, there are several, but I want to talk about physical looks. We make split-second judgments that help us select potential mates. But once we’ve found someone that we find attractive, how do we understand what our attachment looks like?

But, what is a healthy attachment when it comes to relationships? It’s often said that relationships are a 50/50 situation. But sometimes it’s 60/40. This is because there are times when we need more than what we can give, and that’s okay, because we are people and not robots. There should be nothing wrong with that; however, it seems that in our binary society, the male has to stand firmly at the head of the household and the woman steps behind him. These are ideas we’ve adopted from biblical times; in those times, it may have been helpful, but today, we need to adapt to the times. Relationships are about give and take.

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