Growing up in a household of immigrants, myself included, it was difficult trying to absorb the contents of the caribbean culture that my parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were accustom to while simultaneously figuring out American culture and trying to reflect it. My parents came to the U.S. in 1994. By this time I was almost 4 years old and had started to catch onto all the norms of the islands, but moving here complicated things. This post will focus on intercultural communication and the requirement of mind stretching.
In chapter 2, Moran says “Listening is at the heart of all successful communications. We listen to both the words, and nonverbal communication.” (P.39) I struggled with this greatly, growing up. In school, when I did well on an assignment or conversed with a teacher, I received a head nod or constant changing of facial expressions to know that the listener was still with me. I got a pat on the back or high inflection of voice when being told “good job”. When I got home, “good job” did not really exist, and it was hard to understand if I was being heard or listened to. If I presented an assignment grade that was good, my parents would look at me and act as if that was expected of me, and I did not get words of affirmation or a pat on the back. Good grade were an expectation, not a gift from me to them. The thumbs up that is so often used in American culture does not exist as much with island folks.
In the reading on values, we read “Values determine behavior (Rokeach, 1973). If a person thinks that something is good, important, beautiful, etc., that person is likely to move toward that standard. If a person thinks that something is evil, unimportant, or ugly, that person is likely to move away from that standard.” As I was saying above, the value of good grades was a norm. It was expected, therefore not warranting a pat on the back or a thumbs up, according to my parents. I learned the opposite from my schools and teachers. I saw the true value of doing well and getting good grades because I was rewarded for it. I was commended and was met with smiles and positive reinforcement. For many years this confused me and made it hard to know when I was doing the right things or wrong things, which affected my relationship with my parents and in other people in my life.
The damage truly happened when I would lash out at my parents for not seeming proud of me, but it ended up being my job to stretch my mind, and understand the difference. It was not their fault, it was all due to a culture difference, and its hard to teach old dogs new tricks. Lucky for us, my parents and I both were able to adopt mid-stretching, understanding that “intercultural communication is always changing, and the relationship between communication and culture is, and always will be complex and dynamic.” (p.66) I was able to expect less from my parents, and eventually they adapted to the American way parents speak and treat their children, reminding them of their importance, and helping them identify what value actually is.
Like stated above, often times we believe our parents are just trying to run our lives the way they would like, and how they were raised. I understand that their intentions always come from love and wanting the best for us. However, the culture of today is changing. Baby Boomers is the generation and culture of the current day. However, Millennials have their own culture and a way they operate. Both generations are free to look at culture how they want, but need to learn with each other, and work together to function in life. Example would be cell phones. This is a cultural necessity of today, but can assure you that baby boomers think we are crazy. That is the culture of today, TECHNOLOGY.
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. Really kept me interested the entire read.
Detzner, D. (1999). Background on Southeast Asian Parenting. University of Minnesota: Extension. Retrieved from http://www.extension.umn.edu/family/families-with-teens/resources-parents/bicultural-parenting/background/
Marvin,
You are not alone with the struggle that you experienced in your relationship with your parents and family. Affirmation, confirmation or approval in the action or inaction of ourselves was non-existent within my household as well. As a matter of fact, I believe that American and European cultures are some of the few that practice positive reinforcement in the behavior of children. However, there may be a very logical and compelling reason for this.
Research on bi-cultural parenting of children in our relative generation is greatly influenced by the risks and self-sacrifices of our parents. According to Detzner (2010), many eastern families that immigrated to the United States typically place a significant value on education, success, and perceived behavior on their children. This can be explained by our parents efforts to ensure a better life for the next generation. Coming to America with a lack of communicative fluidity and cultural understanding was probably a great challenge for our families, especially leaving their homes and their familiar environment behind.
As you indicated in your post, there was a bi-cultural struggle you experienced between your parental experience and social experience in America; your parents shared a different relationship with you than you did with your teachers or friends at school. Just like you, I had a very difficult time with this internal struggle of trying to find self-identity in what you wanted and actually practiced. My parents would force on me my own culture when all I really wanted to do was be an American and do typical American things (like my friends that I made at school)! This obviously was not feasible because of two inherently competing, cultural perspectives. Eventually, I also found mutual understanding with my parents and our communication and relationship grew; albeit, this took a very long time including time after graduating High school.
In retrospect, I still believe that the American culture that practices affirmation, confirmation and approval is a much healthier approach than the ones practiced by our parents. The sort of, “failure is not an option” mentality. Although the next generation of kids will never understand the struggle that we went through as children, they will certainly be more confident in ways we couldn’t understand in our own prior years.
Jonathan