I’m getting married … WOW! Those of you who know me, and know John, have seen the very positive changes in each of us since we have been spending time together.
However, there are many of my friends and family who don’t know John, and also many of John’s friends and family who don’t know me. This post is mainly for you.
I have sensed that some of you are a bit uneasy about the fact that we’re getting married, because you’ve never met John (or me) and are concerned about what you see as a very quick decision. I want to reassure you all, this decision that John and I have made to get married is good, and right, and made after much discussion and thought.
It also has God’s fingerprints all over it. People who know both of us have seen positive changes in us, and have reaffirmed for us that they see our engagement as a very positive thing. Once you get to know John (or me), and see us together, I am confident you will come to the same conclusion as those who have seen our relationship blossom and grow.
We are getting married Aug. 4, 2018. As I write this, that is a mere 115 days away, and I think that is the thing that has some of you concerned. So, let me explain:
The reason for the short engagement is very simple. John and I both had very long, strong and happy marriages, so we know what a strong, positive relationship should look like. We know the topics that could cause tension in couples, and we have had conversations about those things. We are on the same page with everything. In fact, we are SO in tune that we find ourselves often repeating the phrase: “kindred spirits.”
John and I have developed a very strong, positive relationship with each other, and the more time we spend with each other, the clearer it has become to us that we belong together.
We also both know terrible loss. We both know how life can change in an instant. Bill died suddenly and unexpectedly, and my world changed in an instant. The instant in which Jean’s doctor delivered the news of her cancer diagnosis, their world changed. They battled that demon over the course of nearly eight years, hoping for the best but knowing that the outcome might not be good. This is the way some life ends, not with a bang but a whimper. We both understand each other’s grief, and we share it. Jean and Bill both remain very important parts of our lives, and that always will be the case.
John and I love each other. We cherish each moment we get to spend with each other, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We are not in our 20’s – new to adulthood; we are in our 50s – having lived, loved, and learned a lot along the way.
One thing we have learned above all else is that life is fleeting, unpredictable and not guaranteed. Life is not to be taken for granted. None of us knows how long we are going to live. This is not meant to be dramatic or morbid. It is a truth that we both have had to face in our lives, and that knowledge has made us appreciate life and love even more than we did before.
We know, from experience and also in our hearts and minds, that we are making a good decision. So, why should we wait to start our “happily ever after” – wait, for what?
When Bill died, a dear friend who also is widowed told me, “You don’t have to let go of Bill … you need to learn how to hold on differently.” In my heart I knew she was right. I never will let go of Bill, but I can’t hold onto him as my husband, because he stopped being my husband – legally – on May 11, 2015, the day he died. In that most horrible of moments, he became my late husband, and I became a widow.
I knew that for my own mental health, and for my kids, I couldn’t sit at home alone in my dark living room, curled up in my recliner crying night after night. I wanted my kids to understand that it’s possible to love and miss their Dad, and still live and enjoy life. I also knew that they would not listen to my words if I didn’t live them. So, I got out and made myself very busy. I went places, spent time with friends, did everything I possibly could do to distract myself from my grief. I was playing the “fake it ’til you make it” game – doing things to make it look like I was happy, hoping that at some point I would feel the happiness that I was portraying. But still, I struggled with what it meant to “hold on differently” to Bill.
John and I were acquaintances through photography and music since about 2010, but I can’t say we really knew each other. When John’s wife, Jean, passed away in April 2017, I reached out to him, as I have to other people I know – male and female – who have lost spouses. We chatted a bit, but not a lot. John also spent time grieving and working with a counselor to find a “new normal” – a term we both despise, but use for the effect it portrays.
In October 2017, I invited John to go on a photo walk I was co-leading, and we connected. Since then, we spent a LOT of time together, getting to know each other better. We went on numerous outings together in November, December and January, and truly enjoyed each other’s company. We were open and shared a lot of information about ourselves with each other, both in person and through messaging when we weren’t together. The more we learned about each other, the more we found that we have in common.
During that period of time, I stressed to friends and family that John and I were not “dating” – we were enjoying each other’s company and getting to know each other better as friends. But something else was happening; with each interaction we grew closer, and our friendship deepened (Matthew 6:21). Finally, on Jan. 22, we acknowledged our feelings for one another. Several people laughed at our declaration that we had started dating, telling us that we’ve BEEN dating, and they’re glad we finally figured it out. I’m glad we did, too.
A wonderful thing is that Bill and Jean remain important parts of our lives. As we are learning, it is possible to simultaneously grieve our losses and experience the joy we’re now feeling together. We have learned how to “hold on differently” to Bill and Jean.
The more we learn about each other, the more we realize we have in common – likes and dislikes, morals and values, everything. And God is at the center of it all. God is the bedrock upon which we have built our solid foundation of friendship, which in turn is supporting our emerging romance. We just keep saying, “Wow.” We never saw this coming and weren’t looking for it, but it happened, and now we thank God as we marvel at our feelings for each other.
So, thank you for your concern about us. That concern tells us that you love us and care about what happens to us, and we truly appreciate it. And once you see both of us together, and come to know both of us as a couple, we are certain that you will see what we know – that we truly are meant for one another.
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About the rings
We have been getting lots of questions regarding the symbolism of the stone in the rings. There is a lot of symbolism with the rings. The center diamond is large, symbolizing the great love we have for one another. Blue is my favorite color, and also John’s birthstone. Green is John’s favorite color, and also my birthstone. Putting them together in a circle surrounding the main stone symbolizes our relationship with each other and with God, who has no beginning and no ending, like a circle.