WASHINGTON, D.C. – After walking into a crowd of white men following the Democratic presidential debate, experts say that Pete Buttigieg may be impossible to find. Buttigieg, one of the many candidates vying for the chance to take on Donald Trump in the 2020 election, has now become indistinguishable from the 20-30 other men surrounding him.
Despite the efforts of a search party of 50 people over the course of seven days, the potential first openly gay president may never be seen again. Members of the search were given pictures of Buttigieg in a futile attempt to aid in the search, but this only led them to find a 42-yearold businessman from Vermont and a slightly older looking finance major from Penn State.
Campaigning on the typical values of addressing climate change, requiring background checks on guns, and decriminalizing drug possession, Buttigieg quickly emerged as the most ordinary candidate in the entire Democratic primary. According to behavioral scientist James DiMarzo, the fact that the candidate is so incredibly generic may have been the reason for his disappearance.
“While every other subject studied in scientific history has reached less than a 7 on the Hatfield Genericity Scale (HGS), Buttigieg is the first example of a perfect 10. He is, scientifically speaking, the most generic man in the known universe.”
While most Buttigieg supporters are devastated by his disappearance, Penn State student Julia Gomez (sophomorepolitical science) remains hopeful. “While it is disheartening to see our greatest chance at an openly gay president be taken away so early, I am still hopeful for LGBT representation in the government. Actually, can’t we just take a random person out of the crowd he got lost in and pretend it’s him? It’s not like anybody would be able to tell the difference.”
The last known photo of Mayor Pete, moments before he sauntered into a crowd of 50-something Gen Xers.