By Ryan Hatfield

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – A local bird, known for being early, just got completely fucked after it slept in.

Yeah, sorry buddy, but you’re royally screwed now. Good luck finding any worms anywhere after they’ve already been picked over by your bird compatriots. You might starve, who knows? All because you wanted a little extra sleep you stupid moron.

You might be asking me, “Phroth, why are you punching down on a helpless sleepy little bird?” Well, dipshit, it’s my job to report the news and this is news.

What? You want us to report about the newest Trump scandal? You want to hear more about the latest natural disaster that’s killed many people? Give it a rest already. Can’t we just gather around and point at this ridiculous bird and how it messed up the main thing it was supposed to do?

It’s a miracle I even found out about this story. I have a security camera installed outside of my apartment because I live in constant fear of being robbed and a bird family built a nest right in view of the camera. I was checking it because I sit on the livestream constantly, day-in and day-out, going between that and CNN.

I’m not feeling really good right now. That bird is really fucked, huh? No worms for that guy. Better luck tomorrow in this cold, hopeless world that doesn’t compromise for even a second.