By Nikhil Nayyar
STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – Lockheed Martin, the largest U.S. federal government defense contractor, fed hundreds of Penn State STEM students with delicious, blood-money pizza. They cleaned up the greasy messes with the perhaps the most important document affirming the inherent dignity of ALL humans.
The recruitment event, hosted in the new Raytheon Military Industrial Complex (located in the HUB-Robeson Center, directly above the Chick-fil-A) marks another historic push for the company in getting bright-eyed students to forfeit all personal values and morals.
“It’s amazing, really,” remarks Josh Mendelsohn (junior-electrical engineering). “I thought when I came to college, it would take more than just some tomato sauce sandwiched between soggy dough and lukewarm cheese for me to renounce any modicum of my own human decency.” He looks at the ground. “But, bro, I just really don’t want to cook.”
The night started with a quick introduction from Bob Jones, Senior VP of Product Development, and Haingorcalu, the Demon of Death and Chief Marketing Officer. Following this, there was a brief video explaining how any civilians accidentally killed with their weaponry automatically became “collateral damage,” thereby legally exempting the company from charges of war crimes. There were also fun games such as Pin the WMD on the Middle Eastern Country, Jenga (with Foreign Governments), Monopoly: Wartime Economy Edition, and Twister.
“I’m inspired, you know, seeing these kids sacrifice their hopes and dreams in pursuit of the almighty dollar at such a young age,” comments Jones. “You know, I only sold my soul to devil at the age of 26.”
I approach Haingorcalu for a comment. At first he is cold and distant. He threatens that my soul will freeze forever in an unending torment of bleeding ice if I don’t leave him alone. When I tell him it’s for a newspaper, he eagerly agrees to talk to me.
“The thing you have to understand is that the Geneva Conventions are really more of a gentle reminder.” He nudges me with his shoulder and winks. “At least that’s what my stockholders tell me.”
When he does so, I feel the blood of every innocent person killed by the U.S. military flood my consciousness. It is a lot.
While this is not the first time the company has preyed on innocent youths merely looking for a stable job that will put food on the table, it will certainly not be the last. The company is expected to return next month with their annual recruitment carnival featuring “dunk tanks” with captured enemy combatants.