As a blog composed of all college students, I’m sure we all packed similar things to bring to college. Bedding, way too many clothes, and all the Ramen you can imagine. But some of us packed a bit more fragile of an item, a partner. Everyone knows what happens when you bring a boyfriend or a girlfriend to college, especially to Penn State. Bringing a significant other to Penn State is like walking into a lions’ den, literally. But is break up ALWAYS inevitable, or can distance really “make the heart grow fonder”?
I know what you are all thinking, so let’s start off with why long distance relationships fail. Whether you have been in one yourself, or heard from others who have experienced this unfortunate situation, most people are familiar with the outcome of these dreaded relationships. So not to crush any dreams here, but 40% of all long distance relationships end in breakup. And if that isn’t frightening enough, the average long distance relationship only lasts 4.5 months. So technically, for those long-distancers out there, the odds are still in your favor. But I wouldn’t rely on that 10% difference to cement your future marriage. So do these relationships work? For over 5 million people, they do. But for the remaining 8 million 4 hundred thousand, they do not.
So why are the statistics predominantly against long distance relationships? Well we have to look at how the brain responds to this type of situation to better determine why miles can be detrimental. There are three challenges one must overcome to have a successful long distance relationship.
- Physical distance. This one is pretty obvious, but being away from someone you love, especially for an extended period of time, is never easy. That person is not there to hug you when you are upset, or high-five you when you nail that test you’ve been studying for all night. They aren’t there to experience what you are experiencing, and vice versa. Phone calls make communication more accessible, but the feeling of being near someone, even if you are both in silence, cannot be recreated through a cell phone.
- Loneliness. Often times, couples in long distance relationships feel completely alone, even if they are surrounded by friends and family. Despite the activities and busyness of everyday life, the brain automatically becomes fixated on the one person who is not there, especially if this person is significant to you. Loneliness can lead a person to develop new relationships to replace the one they don’t tangibly have, ultimately resulting in infidelity.
- Jealousy. Probably the most detrimental factor of a long distance relationship is insecurity. You see your significant other with someone else, and you automatically envy the fact that the other person is there and you are not. Your brain starts to play tricks on you; you assume the worst, and accuse your partner of things that may not even be true. Accusations are fatal to a relationship, and jealousy prevents trust, one of the most important components of a successful relationship.
Just like Andrew discussed in class, these three factors share a direct correlation. i.e. Physical distance is a cause of both loneliness and jealousy, and loneliness and jealousy share both direct casualty and reverse casualty.
Overcoming the challenges of mileage can be extremely difficult. But despite what Mom, your best friend, or that random guy/girl you met at a party says, long distance relationships can work. All of the above issues are certainly fixable, and there are numerous ways to keep your brain from concluding that your relationship is doomed from the start. Sustaining a healthy relationship, regardless of the distance, is achievable even for the most pessimistic of people. Communication is key. Talk to your partner. Let them know you are thinking of them. Discuss the major issues, problems, or complications. Discuss the minor ones. You don’t have to Skype for three hours straight, but daily interaction of some sort is vital to maintaining a strong and trustful relationship. There are too many technological advancements out today to not maintain routine contact. Use the space and independence of a long distance relationship to your advantage. Let yourself and your partner grow, and your relationship will blossom. But more importantly, have a plan for the future. Pick a date to see each other; it will not only give you something to look forward to, but it will obligate you to stay faithful in the meantime. Whether its moving in, or a weekend visit, knowing you and your significant other will see each other soon is always reassuring.
In conclusion, everyone is different. Science and statistics alone can not guarantee a successful relationship, but it also can’t prevent one. By determining the brain’s interpretation of long distance and its initial fears and thought processes, we can work towards counteracting these responses and encouraging a more healthy and sustainable relationship. So do long distance relationships really work? The answer isn’t black and white. But they certainly can, and if you and your partner work hard enough, then they certainly will.
I have to say this was a very well done and scientific way to look at long distance relationships. It showed understanding of your topic but had elements to show all sides of the argument. I personally think that long distance can work it is just hard. There is so many emotions and trust issues that come in with long distance that can not be easily solve but those things are worth it for some people. It all depends on the relationship.
Hi Emily, I also wrote a blog post about long distance relationships! I really enjoyed reading yours. I’m in a LDR myself and I must admit, its one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to work through. As we all know, communication is key, but it’s also so difficult to find the right balance between talking too much and to little. Sometimes, my boyfriend and I will text throughout the day, and at night when we both have down time, we feel like theres nothing to talk about anymore and it’s awkward. Other days, we don’t talk until the end of the day. This is good because we have a lot more to talk about at night, but throughout the day I’ll find myself more sad wishing I could be talking to him. It’s a lot more complicated than outsiders may think, but if I wasn’t 100% sure this relationship is worth my efforts, I wouldn’t put myself through it.
Hi, I am Dongyuan Li. Before I transfer here, I am three roommates, two of them are in long-distance relationship. I can tell how much work they do on keep the relationship. They call their boyfriend every night talk about their daily life. They go to visit their boyfriend on vacation. One of my roommate even crying pretty during the first year of college because she missed him so much. I really hope they will have a happy ending in the end. Personally speaking, I don’t like long distance relationship. It makes me feel unsafe and unreliable. I always hope that I can see the one I loved everyday. So before you pick boyfriend or girlfriend I think it is important to be thoughtful.
Hey! I wanted to leave a quick comment saying how much I thoroughly enjoyed your blog! I personally think I am one of the 8.4 million that wouldn’t be able to maintain a healthy long-distance relationship; I value face to face contact too much! Anywho, my only suggestion would be to move your punctuation inside the quotation marks.
For example:
…”make the heart go fonder”? (should be: “grow fonder?”)
Otherwise, great work and I am very impressed with the number of sources you used!
I think this is a question that many college students ask themselves. I think it’s important to understand that you can’t allow other people and statistics tell you if you and your partner can make it through a long distance relationship. I’ve never been in a long distance relationship, and personally I think it would be really hard to do but it’s definitely not impossible. I think that couples who get through long distance relationships are able to form a stronger bond and relationship. They were able to overcome one of the biggest challenges a relationship could have which brings them closer together. Do you think that the actual physical distance plays a major part in affecting the relationship, like whether they are only an hour away compared to being in another state or even country?
Hi Emily!
I am in a long distance relationship myself, and I could relate to a lot of things you mentioned in your post. Communication is certainly key. Laying down the law and telling your partner what to expect rather than having them go through this new long distance stage blindfolded is crucial. All three challenges you stated my partner and I have experienced.
To extend on how the brain responds to a long distance relationship, a couple of factors play a role. The brain is compromised of millions of mechanisms, but a few stand out that we have heard of, but may not know their role.
Serotonin is a chemical that when running low, causes loneliness and depression like symptoms. Oxytocin is an intimacy chemical. From my understanding a low oxytocin level indicates stronger feelings of distance. But jealously? Insecurities? Now that would be something new to explore!
In a previous blog, I read that the chemical oxytocin is responsible for the attraction we feel towards other people. Clearly oxytocin levels will be higher when the two people are together in person, but I am curious as to how much the oxytocin level drops due to being apart for a long period of time in a long-distance relationship. Could the change in oxytocin levels be the key to why so many long-distance relationships fail? Conversely, if you are able to maintain a similar oxytocin level while away from that person, could it prolong the relationship?