GENERAL NEWS
- A Dangerous turtle neck outbreak takes over the east coast and absolutely nothing else (4/5/2022)
- Sorry guys: We discovered the cure for cancer, but a comically timed gust of wind blew it away (3/17/2022)
- Modern science suggests ghosts are real, and they have been immediately canceled on Twitter (3/15/2022)
- Groundbreaking study shows that sea turtles love wearing those plastic six-pack rings as necklaces (3/1/2022)
- Grassy knoll from JFK shooting found dead with its leaves cut, ruled a suicide (2/17/2022)
- Down to the molecular level, scientists discover life is one big joke (2/15/2022)
- CDC working to revise its current vaccine slogan, “Imagine you are Pac-Man and the vaccine is one of those orbs that he eats.” (2/11/2022)
- Uncle Sucker: Army recruits promised blowjob by Uncle Sam (1/18/2022)
- New P.E. Activity of Digging Mass Graves to be Introduced to PA Schools Returning to In-Person Instruction in the Fall (9/10/2020)
- March of the 3rd Rank goes terribly wrong when all colonels turn into popcorn (4/13/2020)
LOCAL NEWS
- Student chef earns Michelin star for his recipe “Sriracha Spaghetti with Frozen Peas and a Lukewarm Hot Pocket” (3/18/2022)
- Star PSU receiver Jahan Dotson ruled out indefinitely after failing to get PSU Student Tickets (3/18/2022)
- President Barron’s successor announced to be recently awakened cybernetic gorilla killbot designed by Nazi scientists, but it’s wearing a “Nevertheless She Persisted” shirt, so I guess it kind of evens out (3/17/2022)
- Notes app becomes first non-human entity to graduate from Penn State Psychiatry program (3/17/2022)
- Heartbreaking: This frat brother thinks a beer can is a coconut filled with life-saving water that he has to pry open with his teeth (3/1/2022)
- College fifth year old, but he can still party! (2/11/2022)
- Breaking: Penn State unveils barbershop initiative in dorm bathrooms (2/10/2022)
- Breaking: Penn State Temperance Movement reveals that its last resource is optimism (2/10/2022)
- Barron goes punk: President Barron throws up (2/9/2022)
- After weeks of fierce debate, UPUA passes motion to move chair two feet to the left (1/20/2022)
BUSINESS
- New survey shows that 63% of all business majors have had their estranged millionaire father turn into the Green Goblin (3/15/2022)
- McDonald’s to replace Ronald McDonald with drug-addled mime named Tommy Shrub (3/1/2022)
- Major companies fail to meet pollution quotas; plans to cut consumer middleman gain traction (3/1/2022)
- Declining birth rates to cause shortage in child sacrifices; cult industry faces potential crisis (2/15/2022)
- Render unto Little Caesar that which is Little Caesar’s (4/27/2020)
- Lockheed Martin uses cut-up Geneva Conventions as napkins for student pizza night (4/11/2020)
- Hurry! GEICO threatens to shoot famous gecko if you don’t buy their fucking insurance (4/3/2020)
- Foul Play? This man just won a five dollar scratch-off from the gas station he works at (4/2/2020)
- Nation’s economists agree to turn economy off and then back on to avoid coming recession (10/31/2019)
- They’re Always After Me Lucky Charms: Leprechaun Accused of Hoarding Wealth in Caribbean Tax Haven (10/4/2019)
POLITICS
- Lycanthrope-American community in up-howl over revelation that Tom Wolf is not secretly a werewolf (3/1/2022)
- 20 years in Afghanistan: What pulling out and the return of the Taliban means for America’s foreign policy (12/15/2021)
- 13 Super Stylish Outfits That Completely Miss the Point of All This (6/10/2020)
- Biden vows to rebrand police “The Avengers” in sweeping reform (6/4/2020)
- Free speech victory! President of Penn State pledges to protect all students who perpetrate racial violence (6/4/2020)
- Free speech victory! President of Penn State pledges to protect all students who perpetrate racial violence (6/4/2020)
- Heartwarming! Penn State Administration Bravely Carries on Long-Standing University Tradition of Not Doing Anything of Any Particular Importance About Anything That Actually Matters (6/3/2020)
- KID GENIUS: This precocious little rascal is only 12, and he already owes over 30k in student loans! (4/29/2020)
- Uh oh! We just found out who Andrew Jackson is, and he is SO canceled! (4/24/2020)
- March of the 3rd Rank goes terribly wrong when all colonels turn into popcorn (4/13/2020)
ENTERTAINMENT
- Step aside simpletons: This intellectual watches documentaries (3/18/2022)
- A Boy No More: Jon Hamm Loses Virginity. (10/6/2020)
- “Crash Bandicoot” Review: A waking, Sisyphean nightmare (4/30/2020)
- English major is sad (4/17/2020)
- I saw “Cats” in theaters and now I can’t get rid of this erection (3/31/2020)
- Inspiring! This New York Times cartoonist named Kelsey is only 4 years old (3/26/2020)
- Due to a series of vague legal technicalities, Spider-Man rights now owned by Big Tobacco (2/14/2020)
- Wow, I really just fucking killed Bowser (2/3/2020)
- Jon Hamm opens up about lifelong virginity (10/26/2019)
- Star of one man show survives on diet of only tomatoes (10/2/2019)
TECHNOLOGY
- Amazon social media bot accounts unionize (2/8/2022)
- Elon Musk Unveils New “Brain Computer” That Gives Crazy Head (9/15/2020)
- “Crash Bandicoot” Review: A waking, Sisyphean nightmare (4/30/2020)
- My phone is haunted and it keeps sending random girls dick pics (4/22/2020)
- Lockheed Martin uses cut-up Geneva Conventions as napkins for student pizza night (4/11/2020)
- Wow, I really just fucking killed Bowser (2/3/2020)
- Man on Electric Skateboard Corners Market on Pussy (1/17/2020)
- Marriage counselors rejoice! Rotten Tomatoes will now let you rate your spouse (10/30/2019)
- Unemployed college graduate connects with strangers on LinkedIn just to feel something (10/21/2019)
- Local professor accidentally deletes LionPATH after trying to stop YouTube AutoPlay (10/20/2019)
SPORTS
- PSU Student Body Outraged After Auburn Refuses to Change Motto to “We Are Not” (9/14/2021)
- BREAKING: Leaked email from Washington Redskins publicist reveals possible new names (7/22/2020)
- Local high school wins soccer tournament by putting all of its bullies on the field and a Post-it note on the ball that says “kick me” (11/2/2019)
- Joe Paterno’s disgraced brain found cryogenically frozen in the bowels of the Creamery (10/19/2019)
- Technology win: EA’s Madden computer players are actually kinda good at basketball too (11/20/2018)