Today in class we identified and addressed grammatical issues with some sentences drawn from your job application packages. Now you’ll take care with these issues in future writing projects, right?
1. This job is to supervise Quality control at X’s Smithfield Pennsylvania catalyst plant. Now this Job entails the supervision of quality control processes.
The issues here are several:
a. Capitalization–take care, use logic, and consult rules before capitalizing a word. Quality and Job should not be capitalized.
b. Redundancy–the second sentence doesn’t really say anything more than the first sentence.
c. Commas–when writing the name of a place, a comma is required between town and state. When the state comes in the middle of a sentence, it requires a comma on either side (as it is an “interrupter” in the sentence).
d. Tone–“Now” sounds like a conversational sentence starter and it confuses the meaning of the sentence. Delete.
Revised:
This job’s central duty is to supervise quality control processes at X’s Smithfield, Pennsylvania, catalyst plant.
2. I tailored my resume to show that I have had numerous experiences selling products, while responsibly representing the parent company; all the while highlighting my success and achievements.
The issues here:
a. Semi-colons–they always join independent clauses (clauses that can stand alone as a sentence). Here, “all the while…” is not an independent clause.
b. Logical connections between phrases and clauses–Chunk the sentence up into parts and see how one part relates to and connects with others. Phrases should be near the thing (verb, phrase, clause) they modify. Sometimes untangling the sentence requires making more than one sentence out of it.
Revised:
I tailored my resume to highlight my success and achievements, focusing especially on my numerous experiences selling product while responsibly representing the parent company.
3. During my job search there was a large range of criteria that companies were looking for in their employees.
AND
There have been numerous situations throughout my education that have given me the desired skills for this position.
Expletives–There is/there are/there have been/it is/it was, etc. are common ways that we construct sentences, but these phrases often serve no purpose in the sentence and make it longer, wordier, and less direct than it could be. Remove the “there is” and rewrite to make more direct.
Revised:
During my job search, I discovered that companies seek a wide range of criteria in their employees.
AND
Numerous situations throughout my education have given me the desired skills for this position.
OR: Through my education, I have gained the desired skills for this position.
4. I am currently a senior studying X Science at the Pennsylvania State University. The X Society posted a job opening for the X Department. I am interested in applying and would appreciate consideration for the position.
AND
I am writing to you in response to the job advertisement located on Monster.com. I would like to be considered for the mechanical engineering position that was offered in the advertisement.
Sentence combining–Choppy, similar sentences can be made smoother by combining them. Sentences that are similar in construction and length can be made more interesting by varying their construction and length. (For example, instead of beginning most sentences with “I”, begin with an introductory phrase or clause.)
Revised:
As a senior currently studying X Science at the Pennsylvania State University, I would like to apply for the X Department position posted by The X Society on its website.
AND
I am writing to apply for the mechanical engineering position advertised on Monster.com.
5. During my undergraduate studies at PSU, the classes that interested me the most were the ones which could be applied to an audio environment.
Which vs. that–a great discussion of when to use “which” and when to use “that” can be found here: http://www.grammarbook.com/grammar/whoVwhVt.asp.
Revised:
During my undergraduate studies at PSU, the classes that interested me the most were the ones that could be applied to an audio environment.
6. The mechanical engineering program at PSU provided me with surplus of experience with working in teams.
Preposition pile-up–Sentences get convoluted when we pile prepositional phrase upon prepositional phrase. You don’t have to remove them all…just limit their use. (We discussed this when we talked about Markel’s Chapter 10.)
Revised:
Penn State’s mechanical engineering program has provided ample opportunities for me to work in teams.